2000

January 1, 2000

                This is a Jubilee Year in the Church which is used as a time of prayer and penance. In Jewish history, the seventh year was the sabbatical year or the year of rest, and the fiftieth year was celebrated as a year rest and restitution, particularly a fallow year; property reverted to former owners; slaves were emancipated; and debts were remitted or suspended. Fr. John Bagley, was appointed director of the Worcester Diocese’s 50^th Anniversary, spoke with words that there will be a “new spirit of change.” This was a very positive message, especially where he was former Chancellor of the Diocese of Worcester under Bishop Harrington. It would be interesting to have a coffee with him and compare notes and hear his experiences working in the Chancery and the Worcester Diocese with Bishop Harrington and others...

This Bagley observation had me recall how my seminary classmate told me the story of his experience with Harrington and Bagley in a meeting at the Chancery. He might be the one to give the greatest living oral tradition on Bishops Harrington and George Rueger

This priest classmate told me how he was called into the Chancery by Harrington concerning a transfer. He told me how he entered Harrington’s Office, who was at that time Vicar for Clergy- announced priest transfers and Fr. Bagley came into the room with him for the meeting. Bishop Harrington did his usual introductory roll of saying the guys name and how great this guy was with Harrington’s input of something personal. An example would be using me as “Ted! You’re a great guy etc. etc. etc. Then you knew, here it comes- whatever one was called for.

Well, Harrington said to my classmate, with Bagley sitting on the side of Harrington’s desk for 45 minutes, that he wanted to transfer him from his parish assignment to a Polish parish and that he would be so good in this assignment... This is where the story became interesting. My classmate listened to the Bishop about the transfer and describing Harrington’s acting skills of rambling and emotionality. After Harrington finished, my classmate said that he would not mind going until September, but Bishop Flanagan, the Ordinary of the Diocese, had given my classmate permission to return to Louvin, Belgium for his doctorate some two weeks previously to this meeting. Harrington, immediately, got up from his chair and went next door to Flanagan’s Office. Bagley, only, put his hands up to his faces face as “Oh! Brother.” After a short period of time, Harrington returned with a total different disposition towards my classmate as though he had a metonia- totally different person. My classmate described it to me as a “night and day” discussion.

This classmate experienced what was a breakdown or what type of communication between the Ordinary and Auxiliary Bishop in the Diocese. It remained me of Abbot and Costello sequence of “Who’s on first, and what is on second?”

This is where I appreciated Bagley’s comment of “a new spirit” in the Diocese with a new Bishop (Reilly) and the 50^th Anniversary of the Diocese. Bagley, also, had positions in Rome as the American Bishops’ coordinator for visitors to the Vatican. But, he was never appointed a Monsignor by Bishop Harrington who flooded the Worcester Diocese with red cassocks.

This was where “games” being played in the priesthood were no different than any other aspect of life. If anyone thought that the priesthood would have been the last place that one had to worry about “games,” they were very wrong. This vocation possibly demanded more awareness to the games of life because of the factor of power and authority. The game was constantly an issue in that there never was a day-off from it.

                Some priest began the year by celebrating Mass on the eve, beginning at 11:30 pm. on New Years Eve. I heard from one priest that he conducted a 37 min. Mass with the people going home at 12:07 am. He was telling me this with a sarcastic note that he did the Mass because it was requested by the Diocese.

                I noticed the atmosphere was summarized by Charles Schultz who is the creator of Peanuts with Charlie Brown and gang showing Lucy telling Charlie Brown that she “never gets to kick the football.”

                I was surprised that CNN had a story on their January 1^st with Bobby Battista serious report on the gay culture of our country. Where was this going of such a story?  

January 2, 2000

                I began thinking again about my “fear buckets” filling-up.  My basic question was what next? I have resonating in my head Bishop Harrington’s remark: “Ted! You guilty till proven innocent.” So, I wonder of “defamation.” I go on line (internet) and find Black’s Law Dictionary and read the definition: Holding up to a person to ridicule, scorn or contempt in a respectable and considerable part of the community; may be criminal as well as civil. Includes here is both libel and slander. 1 This was explained under Law of Torts that a plaintiff who proves slander per se is not required to prove special damages because such expressions are almost certain to harm the plaintiff’s reputation and produce economic loss. Not having to prove special damages is very helpful to the plaintiff because they are difficult to prove. The defendant can usually lessen the amount of damages awarded by publishing a retraction. But, what about being when this is done inside a Catholic Diocese?

                This resonated because of me trying to deal daily life and having to answer almost daily: What are you doing with yourself? Usually, this is the second immediate question before I give any answer to the greeting question of “How are you?” I had to develop an immediate patterned answer: “You can read it all about it in my three volume autobiography. I get-up at 5:00 am and say Mass and do my Divine Office, exercise 50 min. on my Nordic Track, breakfast and sit and do my research and writing. I take a break to do an outside walk of three miles a day (one hour) where I say my rosary and reflection time. Returning back to the computer and make sure that I get a period of spiritual reading into my day.”

                After a short period of time, I asked myself “Why is this disturbing me? I was letting it and I was the only one to do anything about it. I had to move on with my daily life and concern about my vocation.

All this draws me back to when I was in the Seminary preparing for the priesthood and we had a daily schedule that was day-in, day out. It was a procedure that made it possible to achieve many things in one day. I have to admit that discipline was a good base for my future.                 

January 6, 2000

                There is the issue of “defamation of character.” This is something no one will allow to be discussed. Whenever I address this issue, I get many different reaction from a blank stare which may mean that “You got to be kidding1”, puzzled looks, or “”You don’t want to go there.” But, I recall one conversation I had back in 1995 with Attorney Carey saying to me: “You can open your case anytime.”

                I speak at different times a former parishioner who is a lawyer. Whenever I attempt to address this topic, he goes numb and immediately tries to change the topic. One time, I addressed him directly and he responded with a brief explanation that it would practically be impossible to do. Why I am not satisfied with this explanation. I realize I hold back because I do not have any finances and the Catholic Church is a big institution in our culture- the big elephant being challenged by the small mouse dynamic.  

January 11, 2000

                I had my eyes opened by an article in The Boston Globe of this day entitled “Sexual predator law rebuffed.” This story was from Washington, “The Superior Court refused yesterday to reinstate the main part of Pennsylvania’s sexual predator law, thrown out by a state court on the grounds that it violated a defendant’s presumption of innocence. In Pennsylvania case, the justices made no comment in rejecting prosecutors’ argument that the state can assume people convicted of certain crimes are violent predators unless they prove otherwise.”2

                I had instant recall to 1993 and Bishop Harrington telling me over and over that I was “guilty till proven innocent.” Nothing and I mean nothing was ever done to silence or correct Harrington in any manner whatsoever. It was humiliating and depressing that someone in authority was rambling along with statements that even the Church has Canon Laws to rebuff such people and their statements. But, I had no recourse or defense in any way especially in the realm of defamation of character. 

January 12, 2000

                I was told a very interesting story by Mrs. Connie Rivard (parish secretary) of how yesterday a parishioner of St. Edward’s- John McKenna delivered flowers to Connie’s door for her birthday from a relative. John said he was working part time delivering flowers. He told Connie he was a priest in the Diocese for 18 years and was at this time 72 years old. He asked Connie about me and how I was doing? She told him that I was living in Gardner He told here that he was going to call me. I spoke with John every time he was at weekend Mass especially where he arrived early and I was able to speak with him about a variety of topics before the usual crowd of parishioners arrived.

Connie told me that he said how what you viewed with your eyes at St. Edward’s was of my doing and it would not have been there if I did not do it. (Church Renovations and building of the Parish Center). She even told her that I was a very intelligent priest and that there was a lot of politics in the Worcester Diocese.

I never mentioned to any parishioners that John was a priest of the Diocese and a parishioner. I invited him to participate in any way that he was comfortable with but he preferred to be a participant from the congregation and let it be.  He never did give me a call. But, it is something of a mystery how that works with people. It is the “different strokes for different folks.”    

January 13, 2000

                There was a rash of media on the gay issue in our society of late. There was the debate from a political direction of gays in the military during the upcoming election and even the priesthood. I know that when I mentioned the issue of the debate of gays in the military to a couple of priest, in passing, that I, immediately, received a “No!” rebuttal meaning they were not aware of anything as such and no other discussion.

                I noticed at this time how a number of the priest I knew had such a controlling issue and possessiveness. These characteristics were, always, present in the ministry by the term of “clicks’ and “who do you hang around with?” But, what I noticed that a “selected group” was a term being used in the media through publications and otherwise in the Catholic Church.

                Another predominately characteristic I saw blossoming between a number of priest was how there was the CYA game. One at this time of the year was how different guys watched certain other priest and their vacation times. Some of the priest positioned themselves for extended periods of vacations especially during the summer and winter. But, then there was the scenario where guys would talk about certain priest to keep the “spot light” off themselves and their vacation time. I explained this by the talk of keeping the spotlight on someone else, so too keep the spotlight of them. The complainer was doing the same thing in another direction. You might thing the military would have learned from the clergy on Operation Deceptions.” This was so silent service in a very polished manner form of deception.

                This takes me back to March of 1995 and the article about me in The Worcester Telegram & Gazette and the comments from Fr. Stephen Pedone and Fr. Henry Bowen. These guys were Canon Lawyers in the Diocese where Pedone was Harrington’s Vicar of Canon Law.

                This March date had my story in the local newspaper. Let’s not forget that my story began in March of 1993 and two years later there is a newspaper story. But I had to hear two different versions of how this made its way into the newspaper. When I asked Pedone about this, he gave me one answer. Bowen gave a different version. They must have talked previously to this and they were not on the same page of answering me about how this made its way in the paper. What I realized was that this was the time that my case was filed in the Superior Court for a civil suit. Kathleen Shaw of the Worcester Telegram did get this information and there it was in the paper.

                Back to Pedone and Bowen.  Pedone answer to me was that the “girls lawyers faxed this story to all the media.” Bowen’s version was that the “newspaper, always, has a reporter at the courthouse.” I did read in a Boston paper how an AP (Associated Press) reporter covers the courts and legal issues. But, we have another character in this mix- Attorney Puccio, who represented the Diocese. So, what led Kathleen Shaw, who is not one of these specifically appointed reports, to the courthouse? Possibly, this Puccio paid someone at a Worcester pub to call Saw about a civil suit in the courthouse? One has to realize that it may just have been someone working in the courthouse that calls Kathleen Shaw. This may sound off the wall in some form but there was “the game” and it personified deception in the upper chambers of the Chancery especial with my case. I had to recall how Harrington even told me in 1993 that I had “private deceives following you.” This thinking, on my part, was possibly not that paranoid.  I might not have been wrong due to the fact of being stained “Worcester’s Poster Boy.” 

January 14, 2000

                I received a form letter from Bishop Reilly on the 50^th Anniversary of the Diocese inviting me to the ceremony at St. Paul’s Cathedral, Worcester. The letter continued “Immediately following the Liturgy I will host a reception and dinner for the priests of the diocese at the Worcester Centrum Centre. Please mark you’re your calendar and plan to join your brother priest of the diocese as we come together to celebrate the Jubilee Year 2000 and the 50^th Anniversary of the Church of Worcester. An invitation with a response card will be mailed to you in the near future.”3

                This letter was mailed with a stink-on label for my address and I never received a “response card.” So, I had to struggle with what did this mean: Was it only a form letter to all priest (active and those ‘On Leave’) and how was I to respond? I asked around to a few priests if the other guys “On Leave” were participating in anything at the Cathedral. I was told the “yes” and “no” answer. By that I mean it depended on which guy was talking. I was very uncomfortable because I received this but had not received anything from the Bishop or Diocese for a very long period of time especially the Chrism Mass which was to renew our priestly promises to the Bishop at the Cathedral. But, I had this and turned to prayer of what I should do. I waited for a response card for the ceremony and dinner following this letter’s ceremony which never came. I, finally, decided not to attend. I had a new able which I had since my 25^th Anniversary of Ordination and still had not used it. 

January 16, 2000

                One thing a time was I realized hearing at one time that the Catholic Christian Life is like a mirror: You get out of it what you put into it.  If, anything, I was conducting myself in a manner of Christian virtues, precepts and commandments. But, I was in “the game” where power and authority showed it was all for one and one for all. I realized that I was in an atmosphere of no difference than IBM, Ford Motor Company, or U.S. governments.

                I noticed that I was using the term of my “Cave” whenever I spoke about my living quarters (since 1994) which was a studio apartment of one room, kitchen, and bathroom. I, also, noticed that I was doing much more reading and become more interested in reading Letters-To-The-Editor sections of newspapers. 

January 17, 2000

                In my readings of the internet, I found an article entitle “Embattled Priest Says Goodbye.” It was a story of a Father Paul Baca of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, NM.  It described how he celebrated his last Mass on this Sunday weekend of January 16^th. The pastor ordered by the Archdiocese after a lawsuit by a woman from Albuquerque against him and was placed on an administrative leave in her lawsuit; the woman accused Baca of molesting her in 1973 when she was 15, and than having sexual relation with her again after she came to him for counseling as an n adult in 1989. It was the first lawsuit filed against the archdiocese in five years by Albuquerque attorney Bruce Pasternak, who instantiated a series of priest sex-abuse lawsuits in the early 1999’s that accused Archbishop Sanchez and resulted in more than 180 claims against the church. Fr. Baca was 75 and celebrated his 50^th Anniversary as a priest the previous year. A couple of quotes were given by parishioners at this last Mass. One parishioner said: “He lives the true meaning of what being a Christian is.’ Another said: “What has happened to this man is really sad. He’s been crucified. It’s bee like I’ve had a death in my family. I never realized how much my religion meant to me until this happened.” In the parish bulletin of that weekend he wrote a statement: I will say that I have always conducted my interactions with every member of our Catholic community with the respect demanded of me by my priestly vows. In due time, I will speak out in response to the allegations and finally have an opportunity to defend myself against the accusations presented by the media.”4

                This story continued to the following few weeks. The former chancellor of the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, Fr. Richard Colona succeeded Father Paul Baca as pastor of the Church of the Risen Savior.  Fr. Olona said that Fr. Baca “has always been an inspiration tome. His hard work, dedication his outreach to the poor are some things I’ve always admired. I don’t have any information I believe a person is innocent unless a person is proven guilty I still admire him for his zeal and his commitment to the people and the poor.”5         

                I read this with trepidation of what people can undertake and wonder how many use the “copy-cat” or paint by the numbers sequence. What, also, opened my eyes was how Fr. Baca was given an opportunity to celebrate Mass in his parish before going on administrative leave, preach and print a statement to the parishioners.

What I experienced was practically opposite were my own Bishop addressed me as “guilty till proven innocent.” I was sent for an evaluation by Bishop Harrington and then told to find somewhere to go but not my parish and they would “get a hold of” with the directives of keeping appointments with Dr. Zeman, my psychiatrist, and continue attending AA meetings.

                I had to realize what I read about Santa Fe was not my Worcester Diocese. Because I was reminded a number of times that each Diocese was independent and what Bishop Harrington did to me was his right as Bishop of the Diocese of Worcester. I was even told by a number of priests that I was “put out to dry.” But, what concerned me most was what Fr. Tom Lynch and Attorney Carey talking to me as “Worcester’s Poster Boy.” I realized how this is a similar theme running through my journaling. But, if anything, you were no contact with me by the Diocese of any form. It was “isolation” in no other terms. I had to realize that what I had experienced with the Diocese and this isolation was not the worst thing in the world. 

January 20, 2000

                It is strange how different thoughts come back to reflect on what my experience since March 1993. Today, I reflected on how Bishop Rueger told me in one of those interrogations session with Harrington, Tinsley and himself by repeating: “One girl but not two!” What was he trying to divert me of saying something only he wanted to hear as bait or say something about what I knew with other priest and Bishop Harrington...? I felt the diocese putting me out to dry and Rueger’s comment was an absurdity. I was noticing at this time that the Diocese had a cloud over itself and was trying to pull me under it. Those interrogations were in my insights to have this cloud over my head. It was a very peculiar time and occurrence.

                 Dr. Zeman shared this story with me about Bishop Reilly. It involved where Fr. Kiely (Director of Pastoral Issue) of I.O.L. and Dr. Zeman traveled to Norwich, Conn. Chancery Office about a case from Bishop Reilly’s Diocese. They had to wait for a half hour for this meeting, sat with Bishop Reilly by presenting their report. Reilly said: “O.K. boys! It’s time you new go home to Hartford.” It seemed that this meeting was Reilly’s answer was “No!” about returning the priest to parish work.  What I had to realize was that Dr. Zeman was directing this example to my situation. It can’t over till it’s over. However, no communications was a similar response. 

January 24, 2000

                I was reading the latest issue of The Catholic Free Press (Worcester Diocese Weekly Newspaper). There is the section of the weekly public schedule of Bishop Reilly and Bishop Rueger. It listed Bishop Reilly being at the 11:00 a.m. Mass on January 23rd for Father Joseph A. Marcotte’s 30^th Anniversary and 14^th Anniversary as Pastor  of St. Louis Parish, Webster.6 Moe was in my Ordination Class in 1970. What is peculiar that 30^th and 15^th Anniversaries were not celebrated? It was usually 25^th and 40^th. Don’t tell me that Reilly is doing anything to get out on the road to resurrect the priesthood in the parish by having this 30^th and 15^th. It is called “show time” in the ministry and Reilly is known for anything public he is able to find a camera and crowd. I have to realize that he is the Bishop.

                I celebrated my 30^th Anniversary in “The Cave” (my room) with hearing nothing form the Bishop or anyone else. I was still a priest but obviously shelved in the “back room” of the Diocese. I do have that sinking feeling when I read such an announcement because of my situation. The isolation is the main issue where there is no contact or any communication. But, this is the way it is. Fortunately, I find that my priesthood is much more than public celebration or recognition

                Oh! I followed the newspaper for the section of Bishop Reilly’s public schedule and there was no other 30^th Anniversary celebrations printed for any of my classmates in the diocese which would number about 12 or 13.

                Today, I compiled my co-payment slips of my prescriptions to the Clergy Benefit Plan. They totaled $315.12/ I never received his co-payment or even a note explaining anything. The game goes on. 

January 25, 2000

                It was winter but my overall spirit was good due to the fact of having people around that I were walking with me by contacting me, having me over for dinner or to go shopping with them and attending the bi-weekly AA meetings. This supplemented me in my research and writing. I was thinking that besides writing my two-volume book that I would also write a novel entitled: The Great Flood of Elm Street. It would be about the time when the Worcester Chancery Office building frozen pipes broke at night and the morning had water running out of the main entrance and through the whole building. There was a story to be written with what I had known of the characters and situation of the whole Diocese when this flooding occurred. But, the novel approach would have been the best route. 

January 26, 2000

                I had coffee with a fellow priest who talked about the present situation of priest being allegated that a while generation of priest is lost with this allegation and “hysterical reaction by the hierarchy not knowing what rot to expect or do next.”  It seems that the hierarchy was developing a plan to have in place of labeling and have a procedure of reaction to any allegations.

                This is almost seven years after I was called into the Chancery in Worcester with Bishop Rueger and Tinsley. Someone is going to tell me that it is not until now that the hierarchy was reacting. But, I had to realize that this priest might have been watching my reaction or any comments. It is unbelievable that one had to live in such circumstances besides realizing that with the Catholic Hierarchy- bishops are like the “third rail” and if you touch it, you die. I have to say that I was warned a number of times Like a Thaddeus Giza of Warren Massachusetts saying “do you know what you are doing? (Getting ordained a priest) and Attorney Carey saying “Get out!”

                This same priest in this coffee experience told me about another diocesan priest on administrative leave who submitted his co-payment slips for medication to the Diocesan Clergy Benefit Plan. He received back a note that his expenses are being carried by a separate fund in the Diocese. So, this guy received nothing back but the note. So, I collected my skips for co-payment which I have been saving since 1993 and mailed them to the Chancery Office. I waited for any type of an answer. I never received a note or anything. Period. I played everything of the co-feed since being sent to Hartford  for my evaluation.

                Besides this, this priest that I was having coffee with was a kingpin in the rumor circuit of the diocese. He told me the story that my classmate, Fr. Peter Inzarello was told that he should look for another Bishop which is called a benevolent bishop. Fr. Inzarello supposedly was told according to this rumor talk that he would never be assigned to anything in this diocese. He is still on the parish bulletin of St. Anthon’s, Fitchburg as Pastor. The rumor talk was that he never resigned his Pastorship. Why I listened carefully but said nothing especially with my poker-straight face to this story, I was placing this story in context of how the diocese treated me- guilty till proven innocent, move your “stuff” out of the rectory and demanding my resignation. On the advice of my Canon Lawyer, I did not resign my pastorship with Harrington’s Crowd.

                One had to realize that Inzarello was Vocation Director for the Diocese which had the position of a desk in the Chancery Office.

                I, always, was amazed of the sock technique the Harrington Crowd was using against me while under evaluation driving into Hartford, during the isolation period- just go somewhere and we will call you, and their “Stalag #13” or “hot house kitchen” interrogation technique- Bishop’s Residence kitchen experience. Besides my Canon Lawyer, my doctor in Hartford, Civil Lawyer- attorney Carey was all aware of this treatment. It was as a duplication of the Three Monkeys’ Statue of no hears, talk or see approach.

                Inzarello, in his time of administrative leave, was in the public light by running musical concerts with a lot of media stories with pictures. There is a story here to track of future developments.

                So, why was the Worcester Diocese so brutal against me? Was it anything to do with what I knew by accident of the Ordinary of Worcester, things from my first rectory experience?

                This had me researching an article I recall reading in 1997 entitled “Vatican Probes Priest Ouster: Santa Fe Archdiocese Dismissed 21 on Sexual Abuse Charges” by Paul Logan of the Albuquerque Journal. Basically the article reported how thee was an investigation under way to determine of U.S. Catholic dioceses, including the Archdiocese of Santa Fe, saying the diocese acted fairly in dismissing priest accused of sexual abuse. . This article reported how Catholic officials in Rome and U.S. bishops have disagreed over when and how a priest charged with sexual abuse should be removed from the ministry. It was reported that the Vatican recently began its probe after a number of American priests protested they were wrongly accused. At that time, it seemed that church law allowed the removal of a priest through a diocese’s administrative process or a more formal judicial procedure that includes appeals. The latter resembles the U.S. criminal systems. The report, further, stated that a number of U.S. priests who clean they were wrongly removed from the ministry have filed complaints, according to the Vatican. The Santa Fe Archdiocese was reported of using the administrative procedures in removing priests. The administrative procedure, it was explained allows a bishop and two consulting priest to weigh the evidence against an accused priest and “to address the situation immediately.” (Rueger and Tinsley with Harrington) The judicial process is much more involved, using threes judges whoa re priests, and often takes years to resolve a case. It is described as a very complicated system. The judicial system has all kinds of peals and reviews. Canon Law says that the bishop determines shish procedure is used.  This article, also, stated the Santa Fe Archdiocese said it was always concerned about the seriousness of the matter and conscious of the priests’ right and tried to protect them. It continued that lakeside the victims that came forward, the Archdiocese had to be conscious of their needs as well. And for that reason the steps that had been taking were taken. The article occluded with a quote Mary Ryland, archdiocesan communications director “…we’re concerned about bringing about healing and reconciliation. This has been painful for everybody, even people in the pew. The whole church has suffered from this.”7

This same article mentioned that both Archbishop Robert Sanchez and the next Archbishop Michael Sheehan used administrative procedures in removing priest. Sanchez “admitted in a deposition made public last year (1994) that he kept the lid on sex-abuse charges to prevent a church scandal. But his own sexual relationships with women also contained in the deposition, eventually forced him to resign.”8

The Albuquerque Journal reported in an article entitled “The case of Archbishop Richard F. Sanchez” with references to 15 “more significant stories the Journal had written on the case.” 9 This article wrote how the “document also indicated that Sanchez kept the lid on the sex abuse charges as long as he could, fearing they would plunge parishes into ‘scandal’ and ‘division’. And his own sexual relationships were his private shame.”10

What I found peculiar was that I never heard or read any of these stories back in 1993-’94 nor was aware that this was boiling in the U.S. Catholic Church. It seemed as thou this was a regional reporters’ avenue. This is where one has to realize the principle that each bishop runs his diocese separately and independently- Sole Cooperation. It was as though everyone was only trying to survive and was not talking much about anything but the weather. I had to admit that I was in an isolation mode waiting for the next phone call from the Worcester Chancery and which never did come until some time later down the road.

 What flabbergast me that I was never informed or knew about anything as such reported in this article when I was called into to Chancery in March of 1993 by Rueger and having Tinsley sitting in the room? One may say that this was official and canonical procedure that I should have had know. In addition, when I was at Hartford for the full 9 week evaluation and having my bishop drive-in and demand my resignation while being evaluated which added on to the issue of my priestly rights violated and trampled upon. No one, even after I had a Canon Lawyer, the issue of priestly rights, never mind a civil rights concerning the allegations of two girls against me.

                When I started to ask questions, I noticed every professional person that I talked with was so vague and “passed-the-buck” procedure back to me as “You should talk to…” I was not getting any real answers to what is next or way I had to go. Here was the Three Moneys’ Statue on top of the flag pole.

                What was interesting was that at the time of the evaluation in Hartford, I was with 30 to 35 other priest at different times. No one practically talked about there situation with their bishop or diocese. Besides, no one talked about our rights as priest in Canon Law or any appeals. What this reminded I from my studies in theology was the issue of Modernism and a very prominent English lay Theologian by the name of Edmond Bishop of the 19^th Century who questioned Catholic Church authority but realized that the lay person had no rights in Canon Law. It seemed that the 1990’s should have to been realized that neither did ordained priest have any rights, especially my bishop telling me that I was “guilty till proven innocent.”  

February 5, 2000

                What I was realizing through life that humor as a virtue. This was recalled tome whenever Fr. Tom Lynch would call or talk to me. He, always, had humor in the discussion. So, when I read The Promise of Virtue the Promise of Virtue by Eugene Hemrick (Ave Maria Press). He wrote: “Humor helps us to endure ways of life’s absurdities and hardships by helping us to loosen up and step back, to realize and regain a healthy rhythm. Humor, also, helps us to break free from self-centered impulses.  When we are able to laugh at ourselves, we remind ourselves that we’re human, that we need to let go sometimes, and that we would stop playing God. It helps us reflect on how well we let God dictate what is truly important to us. ‘In laughter, there is always a kind of joyousness that is compatible with contempt or indignation.’ (Voltaire)” 11

                Besides hearing this from Fr. Lynch, I relate to The Three Stooges sequences and the daily cartoon page. So much of life is related to me by these sources and at times humor helps getting through the day. 

February 6, 2000.

                In the report on CNN News after the fall of the Berlin Wall stated that about 12 organizations were doing research on Nazism in Germany. The fall of the wall in Berlin had these groups even going after Communist party member in that time of East Germany.

                This had me wondering how there was so much similarity  with what was going on with the Church in this country and Worcester Diocese in the 90’s with the sex abuse issue. I had to hear Bishop Harrington saying to me that Frank Fitzpatrick, who lived in RI, was chasing priest cases with a non-profit organization in Cranston, RI. This Frank Fitzpatrick had stories written about him in a number of local newspapers. Harrington told me that they were after me and investigating my whereabouts. This was the atmosphere that prevailed at that time with Harrington sending me for an evaluation to Hartford. 

February 7, 2000

                Different things come back to mind or swirl around my thinking because of not getting an answer or will I ever get an answer to certain issue in my life- Permanent Pastor. What I laughed at when I get into this mode- the issue of a conspiracy theory. This was something that I didn’t want to discover. Bishop Harrington has to face that my appointment as pastor was that in my appointment due to the fact of a technique matter of not having an addendum to Church law for U.S. Bishops. What there was in this was that a bishop appointed a pastor and it was a Permanente appointment that would leave the next appointment in the pastor’s ballpark.

                It seemed that Bishop Harrington made my appointment with 3 or 4 other pastors in this PP category before he received a formal document from the Vatican on the American addendum. This was a very interesting gossip in the Diocese. So, the church law stated that the only reason a bishop would be able to remove a pastor was due to the fact of a scandal. Here my case was ideal to play for Harrington to do me in with an “allegation” situation. Those famous questions that I had of who, what, when, where and all and any questions I was not able to ask never occurred and that was it.

                I had Bishop Harrington at one of the Confirmation ceremonies tell me privately sitting in my rectory at St. Edwards: “You know that you’re not going to be here forever.” It was somewhat a strange remark but not in the contents of me being in a PP status. This was bothering him more than I realized. I recall my answer to him: “Yes, Bishop.” Harrington never spoke to me in a respectable manner. He was know as “the bulldog” model I wondered of how he tired to portray the paternal-authoritative role. Yet, he most likely was more than aware of what I knew about my first pastor, Msgr. Francis Manning and then Fr. George Rueger who was in residence at St. George’s, Worcester and to sum it up of Fr. Paul Foley of Holy Family, Leominster and their roles and other things in the priesthood. Then, when Fr. Rueger was appointed Auxiliary Bishop to Harrington, the “breath smelling” campaign was in force. This was where Rueger, now Auxiliary Bishop, would find me in any crowd, appointment or ceremony and do his “breath smelling” on me. It was a very uncomfortable and embarrassing encounter.

                This may be why Bishop Reilly asked me in my first meeting with him in his residence of “What did they do to you here (Bishops Residence). The Bishop’s Residence was where I had to face “the hot house kitchen” and interrogations in a couple of other instances. I never had any advocacy in any of these experiences. So, conspiracy” How about violating my rights even if I was an ordained priest? I realized I was more alone than I thought. Yogi Berra in one of his quotes of wisdom: Failure may be an orphan, but success has many parents. I was more alone than I realized. But, with the grace of God, I was more than ever going through the hoops to clear my name. I never acted-out any answer as in the 1976 movie entitled Network with the famous quote: “I’m mad as hell. I’m not going to take it anymore.” I didn’t ever get to this point. But, I was amazed of the caliber of what was being done with my personhood and chosen vocation. God help us all! 

February 9, 2000

                I had a Boston radio station on listening to the noon time news. There was an interview with the newest announced appointed Auxiliary Bishop for the Archdiocese of Boston. This was Fr. Richard J. Malone who said that his appointment was received with shock, joy, awe, exhilaration unworthiness, some anxiety and greatest gratitude to the Holy Father- John Paul II and Cardinal Law.

                When I was listening to this interview, I was thinking of those words were the right words to give the media and anyone he world have spoke with. However, I’m sure there had to be something in the works for years for him to be appointed an Auxiliary Bishop.

                At least this was nothing for me to actually consider because Malone was being appointed for the Worcester Diocese. Many people that I have spoken with would hear this news in Worcester County and if they didn’t know better that Boston is not Worcester. In regards to Church the Worcester Diocese and Archdiocese of Boston are separate “Sole cooperation’s.” It is something may find hard to believe that the two are practically independent in governing procedures.

                But, the words in the interview of Malone had me put a sinker on my face to see how he plays “the game.” 

February 10, 2000

                I wanted to get some idea of what was being written about these allegations against me some interesting numbers of priest on sexual abuse, So, I drove myself to Holy Cross College Library, Worcester, Massachusetts to review past issues of Human Development which was a Jesuit publication. I found ten articles printed from 1992 and 1999. I wondered what was being written and said because I was hearing nothing. Yet, these articles gave me some insight of what was being passed around the Church, meaning the Catholic Bishops and any direction of this specific topic. It seems that alcoholism was not up for much printing from this publication.

                One article opened my eyes in Human Development of the Winter Issue of 1994 entitled “Memories of Abuse Not Always Reliable.” The article stated: In the past few years, an increasing number of cases of ‘recovered memories’ have made their way into the media headlines in connection with  criminal charges and lawsuits over sexual abuse of children.” The article continued: The False Memory syndrome Foundation was founded in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania tow years ago (1992) to assist persons claiming to be wrongly charged with abuse. Already, more than 7,000 phone calls have been received from people seeking the organization’s assistance.”12

                What I realized was that I was not alone with Fr. Lynch’s remark to me about “the dragnet going through the water.” But, it seemed that my situation was “hatched, matched, and dispatched.” In addition, this article showed me that this was becoming a hot issue in 1993 with what I was reading from the professional article on sex abuse in the Church.  This reminds me of the notorious comment I kept recalling of the Bishops are “painting-by-the-numbers” approach. This would have fitted in the Bishop Harrington’s continuous comment to me: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”

                I recall reading in 1986 that the issue of priest pedophile penetrated on the national radar screen by an editorial in Times of Acadian, Lafayette, Louisiana. So, my story in 1993 already had the hierarchy, lawyers and others in an experienced “paint-by-the-numbers.” This adds more credence to Fr. Lynch’s comment: “There is a dragnet going through the water.” The atmosphere in1993 was so intense of the thing that was happening or to do against priest of the day. It became a campaign that had a member of public sources and media in harmony to get “justice.” But, what about the issue of “justice” for the priest? 

February 11, 2000

                Its winter, cold and I were just thinking: I noticed how the Diocese is putting a spin on prickly stories in the Diocesan newspaper and give interviews to the local newspaper. I’m not sure if it was Aristotle or Yogi Berra who said: Failure may be an orphan, but success has many parents. It seems that I don’t have that many phone calls lately or hear from certain people that have kept in contact. There is the wisdom that after four, being days, years or whatever, people usually move on.  But, I keep coming-up for air I feel at time like in the 1976 movie- Network about anger: I’m mad as hell. I’m not going t take it anymore. This anger is within me. When I talk or communicate with others, I’m reserved about this internal anger. But, it is there. I have not come to a point that it has given me any physical affects or in that matter any other issues. I noticed that my approach to this is silent waiting and reserved comments which I noticed lately goes into writing my daily journal for my books.

                While at the bookstore, I proved Sleeping with Extra Terrestrials: The Rise of Irrationalism and Perils of Piety. Sleeping with Extra Terrestrials: The Rise of Irrationalism and Perils of Piety by Wendy Kaminer. She sites about our therapeutic culture in light of random abuses direction. She states that the “abused never get cross-examined because the professional society addresses it like a breach of ethics issue.” Kraminer says that this is irrational but that we live with this. She writes that one has to know the source of your information especially, she writes the Internet. She develops the argument that incoherence leads to irrationality.13

 It is interesting to come across this book. 

February 13, 2000

                This Sunday’s scripture readings had the gospel of Mark 1, 40-45 of the “unclean skin,” describing the leper. (NJB) Despite his social dislocation the leper has Jesus being therapeutic “with compassion” but not as the NAB translation of “moved with pity.” Compassion is the ability to identify with a suffering person and to enter the person’s world with care and love... Contemporary miracles of healing are often a compassionate world to touch and the gift of continued presence and welcome to suffer by the community of family and the Church. Pray, especially, for someone who is suffering serious isolating illness and ask how God may call you to touch his or her life. The courageous leper cried out to God in his suffering. One needs to pray in gratitude for someone whose courage and faith in illness had you to appreciate more deeply the power of God’s love. This was my message if I was preaching publicly. But, this was the homily in “The Cave.”

                This day the new media reported that Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts died the previous night. This Sunday papers carried his last Sunday column. He once said in an interview that if you read Peanuts for two months, you get to see who he (Schultz) really was.  It is Charles Schulz as Charlie Brown. The last Sunday cartoon column had Charlie Brown, sitting on a bench and he sees the redheaded girl but does not have the courage to go over to her and say “hi.” He gets up but then sits down, again and again. He is too anxious prone and does not get over to meet the redheaded girls after all.               

February 15, 2000

                The social climate and all was somewhat different at this time where the N.Y. Post reported about an Albany Diocese priest who was in the process of making history as the first priest in America to undergo a sex-change operation. A Father Dennis Brennan, 65, the longtime pastor of St. Margaret of Corona Roman Catholic Church, goes “on his weekly trip to the grocery store, he looks, well, unusual. The 5-foot 8 inch balding, Irish-born priest wears a dark, full-length dress, and ill-fitting ladies’ white wig, and a silver necklace. He also sports a lady’s shoulder bag.”14 

February 17, 2000

                I had a phone call from my cousin, John Bish. He was probing me to what is happening to me. I summarized that I felt it was a “Mexican standoff” with the Diocese and me. It was my thinking at the time because I heard nothing and no one was in any way showing what direction my situation would be heading. He responded that he was able to relate with me because he felt that we both were at the same point in our respect professions.

                I stopped in my cousin’s office in East Brookfield- Western County District Courthouse. We talked about how things were going. He, then, said to me that we are both in a “Mexican standoff” in both of our respective professions. I was somewhat surprised with this comment and tried to figure out what my situation and his were in this realm. I didn’t pursue this and departed his place of employment. 

February 18, 2000

                The weather was one good snowstorm which was a heavy snow without any ice. The storm carried on for 24 hours. On TV, I heard an interview that I identified with. It was a father who had lost his visitation rights on visiting his children. The father described it as a wound that he keeps picking. He, also, described that he had lost his innocence for good and it has devastated his life. He was only sitting at this time and hadn’t figured out what type of work he would do. He said that he lost any sense of goals in his life.

                This was somewhat where I was at in my particular situation. But, I had a regular routine of rising at 5:00 a.m., doing my daily Mass and Breviary (Divine Office), daily exercise plan, daily diary writing, other position essays and the regular routine of domestic duties.  The priesthood was and is my vocation. I was keeping focus especially having to keep cool of my internal anger on myself. I was constantly aware of being dragged down by my own self and not beat myself with a stick- metaphorically.  

February 19, 2000

                I realize how I had the goals perspective in my previous day reflections. But, it did come on me the next day that I was in the realm of “stinking thinking.” My peace of mind was uninsurable. I recall being told that I should not worry. But, I realized that this is not the real world... There are times that I feel I am living in the blackest of clouds. So, I continue along like my “turtle” on my bookcase, moving along slowly and when I have too, withdraw in the shell as the turtle does. I am working in a much unstructured pattern in my writing. I find articles; hear interviews or comments that I record in my daily writings. The file cabinet that I have has over three drawers of material and a collecting a number of books on the issue of sex abuse crisis. The timeline chart, now, has me reefing back to sources and to review events, time-in-time-out. I find in my story so many half-truths, innuendoes, and gossip being thrown out by clerics of the Worcester Diocese. It is a wake-up call I believe for anyone of what was happening and is happening in the hierarchical Church were one encounters a selfish and ambitious clerics that railroaded me. Rueger’s comment in 1993: “If one girl, not a problem, but not two!” Excuse me! 

February 21, 2000

                I noticed in the local newspaper that my horoscope under Libra for today stated: Do creative free lance jobs. This I tried to do at times because of what the Diocese sent me had me below the federal government poverty level. There has always been the issue through life that I “would never crawl or beg on my knees” for anything. This is one reason of my rearing was that certain people supposedly helped me but they always had a string attached to that help? This was an issue of the “Polish Clergy of the Worcester Diocese.” I was told never ask the bishop for any money because “we” (Polish Clergy Group) would give it to you. The real issue was that they owned you. I was my own man and never did take a loan from this group. I worked ever free moment and otherwise while I was in college and theology. When ordained, I owned no one a penny. This independence had its positive and yet negative factors later on in my ministry especially name calling by certain Polish priest of the Worcester Diocese. 

February 23, 2000

                I had lunch with a classmate of mine who was an avid reader of Fr. Andrew M. Greeley. I was sure to get a dose of what Greeley had been writing lately. Greeley was known as a prolific writer and commentator on the Catholic Church because he was everywhere.

                So, I hear that one of Greeley’s latest publications- Furthermore: Memories of a Parish Priest. He told me that Greeley wrote about pedophilia that some priest operated as rings of predators. This supposedly was written in Greeley’s work- Confessions. The story I was told was that some priest covers their racks in these rings of predators.  Greeley said that these priests are a dangerous group. There is reason to believe that they are responsive for at least one murder and perhaps they have been involved in the murder of there murderer. I’m not sure if I was following this.  They knew that there one priest who was safekeeping information of which would implicate them. This priest was more a threat to them dead than alive. I was more confused hearing this.

Then the conversation developed where my classmate told me that Greeley said that in contemporary mass media culture, allegation was all that was required for conviction. This was following what Bishop Harrington kept going at me with: “You’re guilty till proven innocent.”

This had my classmate going over Greeley’s writing style in his novels where he said some of his mysteries most likely referred to Cardinal Joseph Bernadin of Chicago. I had to hear that “libel charges could easily have been filed against everyone.” So, the issue that the “dam broke” where the church authorities pinned-up its problems behind a dam of dishonesty. The dam broke and the Church was inundated. I had to hear that Greeley used the example of how policemen cover-up for fellow cops. So, in a metaphor, priests do likewise for priest as a brotherhood.

What I found interesting in this lunch was that so many points talked about I was hearing at different times since 1993. I, always, wondered who the source of similar stories of these stories was. I was getting the impression that it was Greeley’s writings and interviews in the media. But, I, also wondered about the gossip mill that I aware of in the Diocese- special interest group.

                I listened and did I listen because after leaving lunch and driving home, the “sex ring” issue came to mind. Back in 1993, Fr. Jack Kiely, at the I.O.L., asked me: “Ted is there a sex ring in Worcester?” Well, here I hear about Greeley’s writings of ring of predators existing in all parts of the country consisting of ordained ministers (priest). The game goes on where even Bishop Reilly, in my first meeting with him, asked: “What did they (Harrington, Rueger, Pedone and Tinsley) do to you here?” I was connecting more dots to get a somewhat better picture of what had happened and was going on. I don’t think this would ever really happen. 

February 25, 2000

                The local newspaper carried this story “Archdiocese is target of sex scam: Ashburnham man among 3 indicted.” The story reads: “Three people, including a mother and son sere indicted yesterday for allegedly trying to bilk the Archdiocese of Boston out of $850,000 by falsely claiming sexual abuse against a priest, authorities sand” The article continued that a “Byron With, 41, of Ashburnham was charged with one count each of attempted larceny and conspiracy.”15 My eyes opened wide because the media doesn’t usually report such stories. Then reading Ashburnham, which is next door to Westminster and Gardner. What was, in addition, interesting with this story, nothing was ever reported as a follow-up in the media. 

February 27, 2000

                I received a phone cal from an area priest this day. He stated the conversation with me that after I heard about the election of People John Paul II that I must have gone out “carousing around town.” I did not nor was I the carousing type. This had me wondering about his conversation and direction it was intended. I did tell him that I did recall that day where I was a “curate” at Holy Family of Nazareth, Leominster. I was called a “curate” by the pastor- Fr. Paul Foley who kept reminding me of it. The “curate” was an outdated term because the official title was “associate pastor.” I told this priest that I was in my rectory study and leaning against my desk watching TV with the new Pope coming out on the balcony in the Vatican. My initial and only reaction was “Oh! Oh! ” I knew about this Cardinal Woytola and met him at my Seminary in Orchard Lake, Michigan in 1969.

                I realize that this priest phone call with his remark of “carousing” was turning the knife in my back because I come from a Polish-American background. I took “carousing” as going out drinking which has not been since 1977.

                This same priest called me during the week and wanted to know if I wanted to ride with him to the Diocesan 50^th Anniversary Mass at St. Paul’s Cathedral, Worcester. I said “no” because I received a form letter announcing the 50^th Anniversary celebration which stated that a follow-up letter with a return card would follow. This I never received. But, this area priest told me that Fr. Rocco Picclomini (Vicar for Clergy) gave this area priest a message that if any priest (Administrative Leave) wanted to attend should call a Fr. Mike Rose in Grafton and leave a message with the parish secretary and tell the secretary what one wanted to eat form the meal following the Cathedral Mass.  Then this area priest proceeded to tell me that he was forming a car poll of 5 or 6 priests and wanted to know if I was going to be one of them “before he gets filled-up.” I reiterated “No.”

It seemed that Rocco said that the separate invites were mailed for priest on Administrative Leave to 49 Elm Street (Chancery). This is the famous approach of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing or giving the right words to not answering a question. Because of my previous experience with the Chancery, I was connecting dots immediately of who was in the Chancery. Opps! Thaddeus’s name must have fallen on the floor.

This area priest guy must have had other designs in his great plan to get 5 or 6 priest in his car to get to the Cathedral and then the Centrum for the 50^th Anniversary. Somehow I felt this was “Showtime” on his part for the Bishop to see that he is reaching out to the “wayward brother priest” (Administrative Leave). 

February 28, 2000

I was reading Furthermore by Greeley. I read how that in the Archdiocese of Chicago t removed 23 priests on the pedophile crisis. Greeley even went on to say that the priest of the Chicago were out to get him. What was this all about? Was it the “selective group of priest” that I hear about or “the ring of predators about which I (Greeley) wrote in the paperback edition of Confessions remain untouched. The ring is much cleverer.”  Which he writes about in his Archdiocese? 16. I realized that I needed to re-read this work- Furthermore. When I read it in 1999, I thought that Greeley was on one his authority campaigns. But, thinking more about some of his issues in this work, I realized a number of things that I was facing in my Diocese of Worcester and the “upper clergy.” Confessions might be interesting to get a read, also. 

March 4, 2000

                This day in the Church calendar is celebrated St. Casmir- Patron Saint of Poland and Lithuanian. This is for the Polish and Lithuanian people, our St. Patrick’s Day. So, it is an annual celebration that intersecting enough is before Lent. Therefore, one is able to be true to fast and Lenten regulations. One wears red and white this day. 

March 5, 2000

                I had lunch with a deanery priest. He shared with me in an angry quiet tone in his voice a slip-in comment: “You were doing things in the RCIA that was against your own Bishop. No wonder you were having problems.” I was somewhat spell bound because this guy knew that I was following the proclaimed “ritual” which even the Diocesan Bishop must follow. This brother priest was telling me more about him in that the RCIA was being used with words and the minimum implication of Church worship and the other areas this document had implemented. It was a message of this guy telling me he puts his toes into the water and was not jumping-in. He was plain “LAZY” in implementing this ritual. The other thing that I didn’t verbally react towards him with was that this was 2000 and not 1993. He must have been doing a “program’ in his parish versus the “process.” There is a significant difference is this undertaking. A program is actually the old days of “convert classes.” An example may be of what I heard about at St. Edward’s, Westminster where they were told that they had a “Catechuminate.” But, no one had ever been introduced to the parish (faith community) nor who was the “team.” It most likely was the priest, privately giving instructions (Convert Instructions).  Then I have to wonder: What was the deanery priest really talking about? I was never sure with this guy because he was the type that had you looking somewhere else to keep-off the real issue he was doing or bothering him. In addition, he may have been “digging’ to what else I would say. Again, here is the game that keeps going on. 

March 8, 2000

                Bill Cosby (entertainer) is “threatening a $250 million lawsuits against the National Enquirer unless it retracts a story that said an actress accused him of sexual abuse. ‘The story is not true,’ Cosby spokesman David Brokaw said Monday. ‘Nothing happened. The authorities never contacted Mr. Cosby, and the first he learned of it was from the National Enquirer.’”17 This was the atmosphere off the society we lived in. Lawsuits, outer-charges and it go on.

                This day there I read on the internet dated March 1, 2000 from the National Conference of Catholic Bishops “Walk in the Light: A Pastoral Response to Child Sexual Abuse.”18 It began with a scripture quote and had my interest reading this of what other scripture quotes and example were being used. The other examples that I had heard about abuse are used as common examples. It was eye opening for me to read what I picked-up here and there in conversations that never were used at me by church authorities or professional people. This point I had to make because there were comments from Bishop Harrington, Bishop Rueger and Fr Pedone that were more than out of place towards me.  

March 10, 2000

                I found a March 10, 1994 copy of Origins: CNS Documentary Service included a Bishops’ Committee Report:  Brief History: Handling Child Sex Abuse Claims. It reported from 1982, but my interest had me going to the section of “1991 to the Present.”19 The reason I looked first at this later part was due to March 1993 being called into the Worcester Chancery by Rueger and especially that January of 193 at Bob=the-Hot- Dog Truck in West Boylston

This same issue of Origins carried another article, “Reckless Charges Against Innocent People”20 This was a statement issued by Archbishop William Keeler of Baltimore on Feb. 28^th a after sex abuse charges against Cardinal Joseph Bernadin  by Steven Cook of Philadelphia were dismissed in District Court in Cincinnati. This statement was directed at CNN and others in accusations against Cardinal Bernadin.

It is interesting how the hierarchy circle each other with statements and all. But, what about the “lower clergy”? Archbishop Lavada speaking about Bishop Ziemann: “This a time grieving. Having to resign fro a diocese and ministry, as he has been asked to do which will be with him for his lifetime with regret and shame. Certainly, he is contrite and hopes in his own period of time to find what he should do with his life. Every priest knows that but some fall always under weakness and situations.” Red flag this, because you would not find many if any such quotes of a Bishop about any of his priest that were allegated.

The Catholic Free Press on this day carried on the front page “Masses celebrated diocese’s first 50 years: Bishop Wright extolled on anniversary.”21 This was part of the Diocese’s 50^th Anniversary and other celebrations that going to take place. This I read about and know that it was another life in my situation.

The deanery priest that I periodically have coffee with told me after the 50^th Anniversary celebration that he counted 17 meal cards that were not used for the clergy dinner reception at the Worcester Centrum. This is where the term “spieg” is used with certain clergy. It is a Polish word that translates to “spieg.” The game goes on. 

March 11, 2000

                I read an article in America magazine of March 4, 2000 where Bishop Donald Trautom said “This is a critical time for the Church. It is a time of transition, new challenges and new opportunities. It is time for prayer, reflection, serious study, critique and discussion.”22

                Bishop Trauton was the American representative on ICLE (Rome commission on the Liturgy in English speaking countries) and issue of translation of liturgical text. But, Trauton was referring to the sex abuse crisis in America. The answer he gave made sense o me because I saw a process talked about in comparison of what I faced in the Worcester Chancery. There was no discussion or anything besides being treated like a child in a patriotically hierarchical system. But, there were bishops out there that used somewhat of a process even though they were only middle managers with the reigning Pope. But, my experience was a purification of the system I worked for and obvious self-enlightenment. 

March 16, 2000

 I was surprised to read in The Boston Globe an article entitles: “A teacher in Maryland, tied to abuse, is vindicated.” The story goes: “A Maryland gym teacher, Ronald Heller, taught for 32 years, and had a clean record until last month, when seven students accused him of watching girls undress in the locker room, and of fondling one of them. The story, it turns out, was consociated out of spite.”23

The Globe carried this story on page 3 of its first section. I, actually, was somewhat surprised that they even printed this. This newspaper was putting most of the priest allegated on the front page. But, again, nothing more was reported on this “concocted out of spite” story. We hear about one our two cases by the Attorney General of the state. It is a political year and wonder is anything else is coming on priest allegated.

How about counter-suits on issue of caused mental anguish, public embarrassment and contempt? 

March 19, 2000

                Another Sunday lunch with the deanery priest had me in a pattern of only listening and watching my facial expression and body language. This priest gradually turns the conversation of “according to another priest” technique. It was rumored that Bishop Reilly at a Confirmation Mass had to hear the wrath of a mother whose priest’s son was on Administrative leave. Then, supposedly, a certain priest who was on Administrative Leave was told by Bishop Reilly that he would be going back to parish work. Nothing ever happened with this.

Then this deanery priest related how at a Presbyter Meeting (Priest Council) that he asked about the medical expenses for priest on Administrative Leave. Bishop Rueger responded that if there were any problems, the priest should call him, personally. Yah! How can I call Rueger? The next time Rueger would hear my name would be from a lawyer.

But, this was all the hierarchical technique by stating guys on Administrative Leaves were in a “separate account.” Now, the guy that was the money man of the Diocese was Msgr. Ed Tinsley. It seemed at Presbyter Meetings, he was an ex-official member that sat on a chair against the wall. If there were any money questions, it seemed the Bishop deferred to Tinsley for an answer. But, Rueger was described at these meetings whenever he spoke as “Woody Wood Pecker.”

                This deanery priest was trying to portray a certain image but I was more aware that he was out for himself and his ‘vacations.” He showed antagonistic image of the priesthood that was a super ego issue. 

March 24, 2000

                I was reflecting how I used to write one page homilies for my daily Mass in the parish that I would do like but with “Letters-to-the-Editor.” It would be an interesting venture because I would be able to write on issue as Harry Truman used this approach. Harry Truman, as President, did this but never mailed them. But, the best ones were eventually compiled and put in a book after he left the Presidency. We’ll see. This would be definitely being interesting reading in the future if I did it.               

March 25, 2000

                On Saturday mornings, I have had the opportunity to watch the Three Stooges on TV. I was able to get to review the ones that were classic to me as “Niagara Falls” and “Built without Cents.” This TV program has it as attending NYUK of the Three Stooges. A lot of life was portrayed by these characters and they showed in slap-stick was much to learn especially camaraderie.  

March 26, 2000

                Since I was doing my research and writing, I noticed that my work had me focused and meeting some wonderful people. I had to be more flexible even if I tired to keep a definite daily schedule. It was how I heard other priest making money besides their priestly duties as having a “hobby.” I never realize how many priest had “hobbies” in their parish ministry. Now, it was that I had to do things to make the basic ends meet. There was the problem of finding things that would not give#1099. One has to work, in actually, at slave wages. But, it was my present philosophy of life statement for the day.

                The work situation is an issue because I hear three or more interpretations of the same issue. I heard that I should do this or that for work. Then I heard how each priest’s case was handled separately by the Bishop. So, I realize that this is the same situation as Tom Brokowv said in a new broadcast on Evening News on NBC that there is more than one interpretation of anything the Pope says or does. I notice in local priestly work that there are like three or four interpretation of the same issue.

                What I learned to say whenever asked what are you do” I’m studying Eastern Warfare Techniques- guerilla warfare. One source is The Art of War by Sun-Tzu in a 1994 translation of this Chinese writer. One can only image the reactions from those that asked me the question. 

March 27, 2000

                I received in the mail this day a letter dated March 19, 2000 which was a form letter for the Mass of Holy Chrism at St. Paul’s Cathedral of April 10^th.It was the typical generic form of “Dear Father.” I was sent only the letter. It said for me to return enclosed respond card about attendance and “I ask that all pastors appoint TWO parish representatives to take part in the liturgy and to receive the Holy Oils in the name of the parish. All parish representatives are invited to a special luncheon buffet….”23a

                I did nothing because I was confused to the overall message. Here it was three days before the deadline of the “respond card” for March 30^th and the envelope addressing in different type as last minute mailing. This had me wondering on what list I was on and who was actually sending this out. Was it mind games? Here the Diocese had me in isolation of no contact and I get this. Yet this letter comes out of the Chancery to me. God forbid that this may have the finger prints of the other person that was originally allegations with me and the Diocese had his name removed. This individual would have had access to this form letter of “Dear Father.” There have been such developments with DNA and fingerprints of late that this letter is available for evidence in my footnote file.  

April 1, 2000

                Separation Anxiety Disorder: I wondered each time in my quarterly visit to Hartford with Dr. Zeman what he billed the Diocese for statement. The reason I thought about this today because on the Today Show on NBC there was a psychologist speaking about this and other disorders. In that I was removed from my Pastorship and not doing any of my ministries, I listened carefully to this discussion. Well, if that is what the professionals did write-up, I was looking at the “justice” issue.

                I was reading The Changing Face of the Priesthood: a Reflection on the Priest’s Crisis of Soul by Fr. Donald Cozzens. Cozzens’ writes: “So what, it may be asked, if the Catholic Church is developing a heavily homosexual priesthood?” He continues “They (gays) tend to be men who are nurturing, intelligent, talented, and sensitive-qualities especially suited to ministry. Often they excel as liturgist and homilists. Without question gay priests minister creatively and effectively at every level of pastoral leadership. The vast majority keep their orientating to themselves. Perceptive parents and siblings may suspect, but in most cases let the matter rest. Is homosexuality really a growing phenomenon in the priesthood or are we simply more aware of it than in past generations past had but the both.”24 Boys! I know I had to get this book and read it a number of times to say to myself that it was not just me struggling with normalcy.

                This was finally being written about in the public market. All of my time in the seminary, this was never talked about in any manner. But, when Bill Jacobs wrote the article about me as “The Rare One” in 1970, he had one line that connected to my 1993 experience in that he wrote “I hope they (Church authorities) don’t mange to bury him. He’d better make it.”25 Well, this may be part of what had happened and continued to happen. It was reported in this work that not infrequently, the sexual contact and romantic unions among gay seminarians created intense and complicated webs of intrigue and jealousy producing considerable inner conflict. It went on to say that a straight seminarian felt out of place with inner destabilization. I had handled it was getting out of the seminary or rectory any opportunity I was able to by dong pastoral (parish) ministry. I was more with parishioners than clerical types. One didn’t ask questions of many things in that period of time. It was as though I went back to the seminary or rectory only to sleep. I didn’t realize the issues of “burn-out.” Yet, a number of people were trying to give me a wake-up call. These people were not clerics.

                The National Catholic Reporter even wrote about Donald Cozzen’s book entitled The Changing Face of the Priesthood. I recalled hearing from a priest that he hoped his brother priest and his bishop will appreciate his big purpose with this book and come to his defense if necessary. Cozzens work asks the question if the priesthood is on its way to becoming a “gay profession.”26 This was the year 2000. What do you think I was in school with in the 1960’s and ministry since May 23, 1970?

Tom Roberts wrote on March 31, 2000 in The National catholic Reporter the article “Painful, purifying dark night,” on Cozzen’s book. Roberts’s states in this article the he immediately went to Chapter 7 entitled “Considering Orientation.” He continued in this article of Cozzen’s question of being on the way to becoming a “gay profession.” Roberts writes: “It is a difficult question to ask, first because almost no one in the hierarchical ranks wants anything to do within, and because one can only approach it through a minefield planted wide with homophobes, right-wing zealots who see homosexual clergy as a particularly noxious manifestation of a liberal agenda, and the church’s teaching that the homosexual orientation is ‘objectively disordered.’”27 Cozzen asks “‘what is God’s Spirit saying to us through this most recent crisis?’” 28

This is more of an issue than church authorities or Catholic followers may want to hear or even know about. Try living and working in it at 27/7(3 hours for the Trinity). Would you be able to drink from the same chalice that I drank from in what I have gone through? What about the “straight” seminarian or priest? Is he the oddball or weird one? The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer comes to mind. Time to re-read this work, again.

                The same issue of The National Catholic Reporter (3-31-00) had an article with a picture of Fr. James Gill, S.J. of the Christian Institute for study of Human Sexuality. It reported that the Institute was located in Maryland. Fr. Gill was quoted as saying that he was “distressed at the lack of education on sexuality at the seminary level.”29 The article reported that this Jesuit, priest and psychiatrist, founded a program in Maryland for those who teach prospective priest. The participants in his program learned how to teach and counsel seminary candidates and priest on sexual issues. This same James Gill was at the I.O.L. in Hartford while I was there for my evaluation. The Christian Institute for Study of Human Sexuality was headquartering at the I.O.L., Hartford. I attended a coupe of his sessions which he gave while I was being evaluated. I never spoke with him. But, he had a very dynamic presentation and was highly regarded at the I.O.L. The room that he gave his presentation in which I attended was standing-room only. He, in my opinion, lectured on common sense: ex. Boundaries. 

April 3, 2000

                I visited with the Giza’s in Palmer and was sitting with Stan and Kay in their living room. Mother Giza-Kay who is very quiet and does not say much began by asking me: “What are you dong for work?” Why I even mention this is especially a question like that from her in that she would talk about how I look and if I gained or lost any weight. It was a question that most likely others (her children, relatives, card playing friends) were asking her and Stan about me.

I answered by telling her that I was doing research and writing. She didn’t say anything else. I know I speculating but the people they knew was very interested in my “spiritual development” and what I was doing since I wasn’t in the parish. The gossip mill was operating. But, the Giza’s were not in the gossip circuit. 

April 5, 2000

                The topic of suing was addressed in a local newspaper. Kathleen Parker in the Fitchburg Sentinel & Enterprise wrote a column “Making the easy way in lawsuits.” She covered topics as smoking and taking Vitamin C. But, her line “Oh, please, dear memory abandon me not in my hour of need that I may sue someone and grow rich. Somewhere in my memory bank I recall being…”30 it was and is the ongoing way to become rich by kicking in supposed old memory. This even continued on with the comic strip- Dilbert. It had the dog asking Dilbert: “Remember the time you went skydiving? No. You will. I’m planting false memories in you subconscious. It won’t work. But you believe you went to college, right?”31 It goes on in our present society of lawsuits and recall memory. What is even more surprising is try to defend you in any manner. I was told “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” The game goes on.  

April 7, 2000

                I went for annual medical physical check-up with my doctor. When he entered he asked the regular procedure questions of how I was feeling. If I had any problems or concerns? Then he asked me about my status as a priest and all. He was aware of the article in the newspaper about my allegation. He continued to talk and said if anything of what I was alleged with that I would be in jail. The doctor then said that “You are not there.” Then. He began talking about himself and how concerned he is about his profession and being allegated. He told me that especially with women examinations. He has his nurse assistant with him at al times while he examines any woman. He said he follows a definite procedure with all his patients but with women he is most specific in documenting everything. Then he says that he hears things from patients that I would not believe.

                I wondered what that was al about? But, I didn’t have anything else or surprising to tell him about my health, allegation case or that matter anything besides being my medical doctor. What I should have told the doctor was that discipline and quiet perseverance will ensure last effect. Good night!  

April 10, 2000

                I received a letter from Bishop Reilly. It was enclosed in green stationary and return address. There is a different “personal” letter from the bishop which is in black stationary and return address. One learns this whenever any Chancery mail arrives. But this letter stated that “On May 23,2000m you will observe the thirtieth anniversary of your ordination to Holy Priesthood. It is truly a wonderful day for you and your family for our diocesan family>” It continues: It is also my hope that you will invite your families to join you for both the Mass at the Cathedral and the lunch at Mt. Care.” It had a long form to fill out and which caught my eye that Bishop Reilly sent on March 13^{th mailed} an invited and return card. I didn’t receive this March 13^th letter. I didn’t know what to do. No one has talked with me or anything. Was I going to just walk into the Chrism Mass with alb and with my family? I filled out the form saying I never received the March 13^th invitation and return card nor did plan to attend at this last moment correspondence. I mailed this immediately on April 13^th. It was the famous question of which list was I on and using the “do nothing” judgment. It was another baffling experience of “the game.”32

                I did receive my annual card from Bishop Reilly observing my “thirtieth anniversary of your ordination to the priesthood.”33 

April 28, 2000

                I do immediately in the morning daily Mass (Eucharist) and Divine Office. I follow what I read lately "Pope Paul VI recommended that priest ‘worthily and devoutly offer Mass each day in order that both they and the rest of the faithful may enjoy the benefits that flow so richly from the sacrifice of the cross.’” In addition Mysterium Fidei, No. #23 where Pope John Paul II echoes these words in recalling that the celebration of the Eucharist be the ‘most important moment of the priest’s day, the center of his life,” and urging that ‘priests should be encouraged to celebrate Mass every day, even in the absence of a congregation, since it is an act of Christ, the Church (cf. Ibid. 13 Code of Canon Law, c. 904) This was from the “Ad Lumina” talk to the bishops of Michigan and Ohio on May 21, 1998 and printed in the Newsletter Committee on the Liturgy, Vol. XXXVI, March 2000.

                I’m sure that a number of people wandering what I do each day, most likely would not understand this principle of being a priest. But, it is followed by me by doing Mass alone in “The Cave.”

                In the local newspaper this day had a story about my classmate, Fr. Peter Inzerillo, who was allegated in the same time period as me. The article with picture of rehearsal at Julie Country Day School (Leominster) entitles “Chorale offers Clinton ‘gift.’”  It said “The Montachusett Chorale, under the direction of the Rev. Peter J. Inzerillo, pastor of St. Anthony De Padua Church in Fitchburg will perform this weekend at St. John’s Church, a magnificent Gothic-style cathedral with spectacular acoustics.” It went on to explain “the chorale was formed from St. Anthony’s choir. Rev. Inzarello said, and has just about doubled in size since its creation in 1992, from 25 members to about 50.”

Peter had himself out there and made sure he had publicity. Here I was not sure what to do next or had any idea of what was actually going on in the Diocese or ministry. My eyes in this article did pick-up that he was “pastor of St. Anthony De Padua Church in Fitchburg…”34 A priest of the Diocese said to that Peter was “pastor of St. Anthony’s in his own head or has more friends (supporters) in the Church than we know.”

                This same day I was reading “Following the money: A youthful movement forces public questions on those who do the world’s business in private,” by Raymond A Schroth (Special Report Write) for the National Catholic Reporter. I was interested in reading “Fr. Joe Rozanski joined the Franciscans at 14. His vocation ,how , did not come into a clear, dramatic focus until his 10 years in Brazil when he saw liberation theology at work, and when , as he left to return to the United sated, fellow Franciscan Leonardo Boff told him to study economics when he got home.”35

                I wasn’t at Rozanski’s level of ministry. But, I used the expression “follow the money” many, many times in my class preparations and clergy meetings. It was times that had some very sore facial expressions directed at me. But, I say that this sexual abuse situation is in a large part- follow the money. Now, when I say this I get blank stares given to me. There are a lot of poker player faces that I notice whenever I say- follow the money. 

April 30, 2000

                I was given by my former parish secretary a letter she received from her friend in Hixson, TN and a former member St. Edward’s. This letter stated “Got an e-mail from Tony Tucker there who does the church bulleting- I asked him why the church history ends in 1969 with Fr. Sheehan’s appointment as pastor. He say for 2 reasons: 1. there is o written history beyond that and 2: He does to know how to handle Fr. Kardas’ problems without guidance. Wise decision, I guess.”36

                What become of interest are parish histories or any history is interesting to read because of the slant and the entire writer of the history. This guy mentioned was a resident of Westminster for all the time I was in St. Edward’s. His children were too young for any formal religious education and never occupied a pew for celebration of the Eucharist. He somehow had a “conversion” and began attending Mass with a St. Joseph’s missal in hand and sitting in the first pew in the front. He worked for a local computer company and had quite a reputation on the local town finance committee. But was unknown to the Catholic faith community.  So reading letter that he was doing the parish bulletin and writing a parish history was interesting. By the way, you were an updated parish history written when the parish church renovations and dedication of the new parish faith community center. This was in the parish file, copies at the Worcester Chancery Office parish Resource Center and copies distributed to parishioners in 1991. So, this comment was related to the 25^th Anniversary booklet of 1977. The more interesting point to ask is where was the clerical element at this time in the parish? As I have said a number of times- the game goes on. 

May 1, 2000

                The local newspaper carried the story: “False memoirs do damage: Therapy can induce fictional accounts” by Jane Brody of the New York Ties News Service. The article began” A young woman in psychotherapy recovered the memory that at age 13 she was reaped by her teacher… Still she filed criminal charges against the teacher, who had to spend his life saving to defend himself against the false accusation. Eventually, the court ruled that recovery of a repressed memory lack sufficient scientific foundation to be admissible evidence.”37

                Reading this, what was amazing was that I, nor any priest allegated, were given an opportunity to defend yourself or say anything. The case was closed with an allegation were civil and church authorities just processed as “guilty” and money was played out. Period. As this article spoke of false memories cause heartbreak, nothing was ever done on the rights of the priest-“lower class.”

                This had an article in the National Catholic Reporter on May 7, 2000 by Patrick Lefebvre. It states: “In the old days a guardian angel or a St. Christopher medal might have been sufficient protection form trouble. But I the adversarial atmosphere and litigious climate that has swept America today, every Catholic Church, school, religious order, diocese, hospital, and agency needs a lawyer. Preferable a nimble lawyer. Churches have bee targets of lawsuits related to a wide range of issues, including employment, personal injury, treatment of the sick and dying, and most notoriously, sexual misconduct. Coyne (lawyer) told priests to regard lawyers as their friends and to ‘call your lawyer even before you call the chancery or your insurer.’”38 

May 15, 2000

                I had dinner with the new pastor of my former parish at a Chinese Restaurant. This was a four hour experience in personality revelation and doing a lot of listening.

                I was working on updating my will. As we were driving to the restaurant I asked if he would be a priest alternate. He said that he is priest-executor for a number of priests, already. He agreed so I asked him for his full name and social Security number.

                He was a constant talking machine and had nights to every possible scenario and even more than would ever exist it was an interested dinner. What I noticed was that he was attempting to be “checkmating” in issue after issue of what I did or accomplished at the parish.

                The topics were al over the screen. He said he wanted the parish to be “in the middle with no kingdoms.” This possibly had reference to the R.C.I.A or newer developments of Prayer Group with a Majorgoire orientation. He made it know that this not his home. No because he bought a house in Dennis on Cape Cod. He then made it know that he was only at the parish for 6 years-one term. I, only, listened with a poker face expression.

                He talked like he knew so many things about individual priest as one case where he said that this one Monsignor was “not getting paid by the Diocese” and was doing weekend Masses. With this, he jumped at me with the question of what the Diocese was giving me. I said the regular stipend for priest on Administrative Leaves. Another priest classmate of mine he said he met with and that this guy was going to be in the face of Diocesan officials.

                He was on a role because he spoke next that he was against Diocesan direction of Youth Program of a Steubenville model. The religious sister that was the director supposedly spoke with him and he told her this. She told him that the Bishop was backing it. H said he did not care and have the Bishop give him a call and he would tell him the same.

                I, also, had to hear that Bishop Reilly wanted to reach out to guys on Administrative Leave. I thought, fine but we would see.

                Right about this time, I began to wonder if there a sub-cult priest group in addition to “special interest groups” in the Diocese of Worcester. It reminded me of the Clint Eastwood movie of being a detective in San Francisco that had a secret elite police group that acted as a subculture.  In this movie the elite cops were know as the “Young Turks.” This priest had answers to questions that are to even ask. He knows this person and anyone you mention and has a quick answer to things not even asked. This dinner was proving to be more strenuous than I imagined.

                Then the conversation headed to me hearing that money was going to run to on the psychological experience because it possibly goes a big as a million dollars. Oh?

                I noticed that he had to mention that he told people that he was “the Pastor” and the personal pronoun-“I” (divine). He said that “the people of parish would not allow you back.” Where did he get this from that I wanted or ever would come back to St. Edward’s? I knew better and moved myself along when I was force to resign my parish. This is where I even sat back and crossed my ankles to watch his act and performance

                He talked about the self-appointed Youth Director in the parish and his issues with her where she expected to be “adored.” He even said that the new Deacon he brought on board at the parish says this Youth Director is very manipulative. She was know to attaché herself to any clerical person by name dropping for her cause or any platform possible She was actually history to St. Edward’s because she supposedly sent an e-mail to the deacon saying that the parish is not what it used to be. He did continue on about this woman by saying that she was making him look bad to the young people.  She was gone from working in parish in any ministry.

                The topic then shifted to my former parish secretary. He said that she ‘hurt’ a lot of parishioners. She was on the Finance Committee but just sat there and said nothing. He said that he was going to expand the finance committee.” I said to him that she usually didn’t say much at any meetings she was at. She was a question person. She was like that with me on committees and working in the office. But, I learned that her questions were relevant questions that she was hearing other people she was in contact with. I, always, tried to give her an answer because I knew she would carry it very accurately. She gave the appearance of being only a “sponge’ at meetings. But, she walked with you when things were explained to her- agreeing or disagreeing. But, then back he went at her by saying that he knew that she “was cruel” to the previous priest Administrator. This woman was in her own pattern that she did to everyone- questioning. Some clerical types take any questioning as an “attack.” I’m sure the Administrator would have been uncomfortable because possibly he was in the “You never question, Father.” model but, this was what came with territory in this time and age.

                Then, his conversation was directed about a young lady of the parish and a possible wedding. He talked that he would do her wedding as a favor for her parents. He knew that the parents were in contact with me and that they had me over for dinner. Suddenly, he turned on the “I” (divine) and that his expectations for parishioners that they “must go to Mass, get involved in a ministry and support the parish.” He used the Pastor title that he had as a right and expected anyone if the wanted to be registered at the parish.

                Another story was abutting a guy with long hair that was registering his daughter for religious education and said to this priest that he was a lawyer. This had the priest come back at him: “I’m the Pastor.” He, then, said this guy had been at Mass a few times since. Get the picture of what I’m hearing.

                Besides all, he continued to tell me that in five years that he will have to add another Mass because of the population explosion, He said that the houses going to be built would be $250,000 and up from now on. There was the talk of another additional Mass and it ended because he was not going to add another Mass.

                He headed over next to say that the Diocesan Curia (Chancery Staff) would be in office even with a transfer of a Bishop or retirement. He sad the same guys that are in the Chancery will still be there when Bishop Reilly retirees.

Out of nowhere he went back at “the people would not welcome you back” statement. This was coded that he was the “Pastor”; He kept hitting and using the Pastor title over and over, again. As Pastor, he kept saying how it would be attitude. He was in a theoretical sphere of another Church world.

                I had to next hear next how the bishop is “in a tuff position because he has to be attentive about liability of Sole Cooperation.” He said that the Church should get out of the “Sole Cooperation.” This may have been part of Bishop Egan of Bridgeport Diocese approach. This Diocese had to face more than two dozen lawsuits in recent years concerning alleged pedophilia by priest. In response to one such claim, Egan pioneered a novel theory to insulate the Diocese  from liability, arguing that priest are self-employed, noting that his paycheck from the Diocese does not withhold income-tax, meaning that the pries t is related legally not as an employee but as a contactor.   Besides I had to hear that the intensity and department of the Chancery world. He had to tell me that an ordinary parish priest would not even have time to study this about the Church and Chancery world. As I said, this guy had all the answers and ideas for the Church. He had answers to questions that were never asked. Why he was only assigned to a “small parish that was not in the city.”?

                What I was surprised to hear, next, was that the Diocese had already spent a ½ million dollars and would not stand to for paying out a million dollars. I was wondering and amazed that he would start using specific figures. Yet, I watched him to see if he expected me to respond in some fashion which I did not.

                I mentioned Cozzen’s book The Changing Face of the Priesthood.  He had only one comment in that he read about it from book review of the National Catholic Reporter. This was the end of that topic with his silence which was deafening. Yet, he claimed to me some time back that he had a PhD. He never said where he received from which institute this PhD. I recalled that he did use this title as a reminder to parishioners. There always is the old PhD- Piled high and deep. He read this work. I knew a few other priests that used this technique of “know nothing or very little” when they didn’t want to talk about an issue.

                Next, we discussed or I should say I had to hear about the French priest of the Diocese were regrouping and becoming strong again. There still was the mentality of the French, Irish, and Polish priest groups. Believe me here we were in 2000 and hearing this of the “melting pot” American society. Ethnicity has been and is a very relevant factor in our American society. So, hearing this French group thing, it is part of each of our identities. In the 60’s and later was a pre-Vatican ghetto living style and mentality. With Vatican II and the movement of our society all changed. But, a few clergy persisted in their castles and mentality. My specific example was that I was an American of Polish Ancestry who celebrated the heritage in religious ceremonies and culture in a territory parish where people had move into. Now, this guy telling me the French issue was Irish which I didn’t think that it was an issue in this time of the Diocese and Church. Obviously, I was wrong. The Irish were the dominate national group in the Diocese and went in and out with their heritage depending where e one was stationed. But, I started thinking about a “Young Turks” group in the Diocese. More than before, the smaller national groups of priest were bumping into other “certain special groups.”

                The 50^th Anniversary of the Diocese was celebrated and this priest tell me that he told Bishop Reilly that he was not able to celebrate Bishop Wright’s establishing the Diocese because Wright destroyed priest. Supposedly, when this guy told this to Bishop Reilly at the Christmas Mass was that Reilly “just stood there at the door with a blank look.” Really asked him if he was busy at St. Edward’s and he answered “No! He gave this answer because he only world go to the Chrism Mass and Ordinations. Everything else he stayed totally away from and Reilly and the Chancery. What I did know that he is chums with another priest that follows a similar program. He had to tell me that the system is crazy.

                I, next, heard that the Deanery that St. Edwards belong with in that it was frustrating and do nothing group. He said that the last meeting he should never have attended. He did and opened his mouth to say: “Ask for a Diocesan Synod? The Dean, who are I know very well, killed the idea after the meeting by doing nothing. The Deanery proposed a Diocesan Synod and wanted the Dean to draw-up a paper for this group of priest to sign and take to the Presbyter and Bishop Reilly.  The Dean said he would draw-up statement. He never faxed anything for the priest to sign. The Dean tried to stall when he said he would have to formulate a statement It was never done. I mentioned that this priest acting as Dean had ‘the red rash.” I got the reaction that this would never happen with Reilly. What became interesting was that the Dean, with whom I had coffee frequently, never mentioned this at all. I usually had to hear about the Deanery meetings. But, this guy from my former parish said he was in hospital ministry and had an agenda with a time frame and did the work which one was accountable to get done. He felt that the time used at Deanery would have been more productive in doing parish work. He was not that wrong in his observation. The message usually from a Deanery meeting was at least we gathered in “brotherhood.” This was a code name for a few priests, as the Dean at that time. This Dean had “red rash” mentality. I know that I’m speculating, but he looked forward to these gathering to hear “gossip”, did not do much with anything in the Deanery or in his own parish but the minimum. Yet, he was able to “peacock” at the monthly meeting at the Chancery. As I said that there was a possible “Young Turk” group with resurging French Group. But, they, all, didn’t realize was they were in their own “”zones” because the Bishop was going to do his own program.

                The priest talk continued about one priest that I met in the city library and I mentioned of this surprised encounter.  I was told that this priest was one of the guys in 1993 that was called into a lawyer’s office in downtown Worcester for a statement with a Chancery Official present with a recording secretary taking notes. Nothing again was ever heard about this. But, it did make the priest in the Diocese very tight-lipped. I was then told that this was all done doing Harrington’s time. I recall hearing about this but didn’t hear about it until this dinner outing. The game goes on.

                I had to then hear “You got to call Bishop Reilly and speak with him!”  I was told again that Reilly wanted to do something with guys on Administrative Leave. I, only, listened and kept my poker face.

                The topic of religious education was told to me that the Diocese’s Loretta program being of value where he was dragging which program to undertake at St. Edward’s. He said that the Sunday Lectionary program teaches nothing about Church History. Oh? This was the typical pre-arraigned Loretta Program selling pitch. I said nothing again or reacted with anything but the bland facial expression.

                On the way back from the restaurant, he asked: “What have you been doing with yourself?” I told him that I was research and writing. He responded with an “Oh? Journaling? Right?” I answered “No! I’m writing my three volume autobiography.” He, actually, was silent for a few moments.

                Finally, after four hours I was back to my car in the church parking lot. This priest got out of the car and turned pointed finger at me saying “You’ve got to talk with Bishop Reilly, Ted! This (dinner) never did take place... I, only, walked towards my car. My shoulders were hurting from the stress and being uncomfortable with this whole experience. It was a learning experience of four hours.  

May 18, 2000

                I did my regular appointed quarterly with Dr. Zeman in Hartford. He made a defeatist statement to me: “the diocese is not going to put you back.’” I responded that I knew that I am not going back to ministry. I say that my fear keeps me from gong outside of my cave being labeled a “leper.” I never have been given a chance to say anything. Living as a “leper” had my anxiety working. But, I, only, asked for a chance to speak to the powers to be- period. There is the ‘real” issue of having me on Administrative Leave which is not the allegations.

                I had to realize that my visits mandated by the Diocese where the Doctor said to me while leaving said: “Don’t worry, Ted, if you keep gong over stuff, that’s what I’m here for.”

                I recall a question from my confessor asking once in relation t Hartford: “What are you really dong?” What I had in mind was the form of retaliation the Diocese used against me. I was in Hartford for an evaluation and Bishop Harrington appeared on the last day before my discharge demanding my “resignation” on a blank, green napkin that looked like one from Denney’s on Interstate #84. What I observed in Harrington at this time was reminding me that Harrington was a Richard Nixon. Someday I should read more about Richard Nixon and have some answers of what I was dealing with Bishop Harrington. The Diocese’s vengefulness and spitefulness was beyond words. Yet, no one, actually, defended me legally or canonically. The resignation question never was explained, either. Was it to resign as pastor or the priesthood? The game was really gong on.

                This day’s horse cope for Libra (October 7^th) stated: You’re not thinking too clearly today. It would be best for you to jeep yur thoughts to yourself until you have more evidence. Your suspicions may be unwarranted, but the timing is all- wrong. I don’t think I was very wrong about my suspicions. It was another day of thinking of some of the issue in The Cost of Discipleship.               

May 23, 2000

                On my 30^th Anniversary of Ordination to the Priesthood, I did appreciate Fr. Donald B. Cozzens book The Changing Face of the Priesthood.  I offered Eucharist as usual in my “cave” as a Mass of Thanksgiving. The Eucharist was kept the heart of my life and ministry with a profound and unconditional faith in a god and gracious God who has revealed himself in Christ Jesus. I strove for knowledge and meaning which fostered the habit of being unsatisfied. I realized more than ever that the best kept secret of Vatican II way the supremacy of conscience which is the quiet place where one is alone with God to determine the truth. For me the role of pastor and the ministry had me reflecting that I was somewhat of a tour guide being employed in helping “students of life” to explore themselves. 

June 1, 2000

                The experience of having dinner with the new pastor of St. Edward’s sent my mind back to March of 1993. When Rueger and Tinsley had me in the Chancery, it was something to recall how Rueger was stumping on me. He said “the only place you are going to be able to go is a monastery.” Hearing him say that, I realized that the Chancery Gang had all of their heavy technique to silence me about Harrington’s drunken driving accident. The intensity of Rueger was something else to watch his “acting.” Don’t forget, I recall him telling people that he would have become an actor or a priest. He was performing in 1993 in “The Duck Bumped the Gooses Ass.” (Fr. Tom Lynch)               

June 11, 2000

                I received a phone call from my cousin- John Bish telling me about his daughter- Molly Ann Bish was being confirmed this day at the Worcester Centrum with a Diocesan level celebration to recognize the Diocese’s 50^th Anniversary. He told me that she was the only student from our home parish of St. Stanislaw, West Warren being confirmed. I asked how she was. He said that she is Molly and having to deal with her as such as a teenager. He said how she was so much like his mother being independent and being her own person. We bought laughed somewhat because of our experience with his mother who was my mother’s sister.

                I did not attend because of not receiving any information from the Diocese nor would thinking it have been a good idea to sit with my family in the bleachers. It was that do or don’t situation, again. It was another Pentecost Sunday celebrating Mass in the “cave.” This time, it was a ceremony that I was glad to be in the “cave” because of the show time aspect of this type of worship. The Confirmation Mass was good for the media and most parents and families. But, I had quivering feeling of the “gas station” in full service. 

June 21, 2000

                The Boston Globe carried an article entitled “Middleton parents hear from Prosecutor at Forum on Abuse Case, A Search for News, Solace,” on a Christopher Reardon, 28. The article stated that “For many of the 650 people who packed a swelter high school gym last night, a public meeting designed to answer their questions about what authorities say could become the most far reaching child sexual abuse case in Massachusetts history instead fueled their frustrations and uncertainty.”39 There are stories that there are perhaps as many as 250 victims but charges against Christopher Reardon rested n the statements of three boys. He was a Director of Religious Education, youth minister at St. Agnes, Middleton, Mass and a youth worker at a YMCA summer camp.

                What was going on with the prosecutor having this public hearing besides producing formation in parents and uncertainty? Yet, when I read that Reardon was Director of Religious Education of a Catholic parish, it set up other alarm bells ringing. In the parish did he postpone some First Communion or Confirmation? God forbid that he might have had some religious education policy for receiving sacraments. If he did, then most likely the local PTO didn’t appreciate it and possibly had an agenda with him by a few parents. I recall hearing on the news that this case was bring for five years and the radio station interviewed a number of people that asked the questions: “Why didn’t they come foreword before? What wait until now?”

                I’m not making light of allegations but what I read and heard about this St. Agnes situation was a “Witch Hunt” was being conducted. It would not have been the first time a church group would have done such. But, then were the whole town was invited to hear from the prosecutor in a school gym added another element of intrigue besides the climate. 

June 23, 2000

                Here is a good one. An article in The National Catholic Reporter entitled “Priest on bishops’ agenda” by Robert McClory reports: There may be ‘silver long’ in the recent barrage of reports about turmoil in the American priesthood, said Fr. Cletus Kiley, executive director of the Priestly Life and ministry Committee of the National Conference of catholic Bishops. ‘All of this requires us to look seriously at issues of human formation to see how we’re doing,’ he said. On the bishops’ agenda for discussion and approval is a 138-page document titled ‘The National Plan for the Ongoing Formation of Priests.’ Kiely said the document was prepared before The Kansa City Star series on the high rate of AIDS among priests or the publication of Fr. Donald Cozens’ book, ‘The Changing Face of the Priesthood,’ which speaks openly of a ‘crisis of confidence’ in the American priesthood. However, the document as presented has only a few launching points for development. It does not discuss in detail any particular crisis and does not so much as mention the words AIDS, homosexuality or sexual orientation. Among 10 ‘significant contexts’ for priestly formation in the 21^st Century, it cites in general the ‘diminishing number of priest,’ ‘divisions in presbyteries’ (regional groupings of priests) and ‘the counterpoint of current sexual mores.’ ‘Today the former social support for celibacy is gone,’ it notes. Fr. Francis Cilia, vicar for clergy in the San Jose, Calif., diocese, said Cozzens’ book has been universally received with respect by priest. ‘He’s dedicated and loyal and writing about what he sees,’ he said. ‘You can’t be angry at the truth.’ The issue he raises, said Cilia, requires serious attention.”40

                Reading this has me going in many thoughtful directions. The few priest that I speak with whenever I mentioned Cozzen’s book The Changing Face of the Priesthood gave me the response as “Not read it!” “I read a review of it in the National Catholic Reporter.” It was the end of discussion with these guys and nothing else said-period. One priest used the line: “I saw it and threw it in the wastebasket.” This guy always said to me anything they I asked if he read.

                In addition, this article of “Priest on bishops’ agenda” reported how issues are conducted at the national level of bishops. It is a science to read church documents where I learned some time back that it was more interesting what a document or position did not say than what it did say. Ex. Birth Control Document in 1969. The very interesting game goes on.

                Besides the information I wrote about here was another statement for this article “Priests on Bishops’ Agenda” was quoting a Rev. David Wolf, outgoing president of NFPC (National Federation Priest Council) : “What happens in a community when one third of the members are gay, but the other two-thirds don’t know anybody who is gay? This brings unacknowledged ecclesiastical division, which has to be addressed.”41 Fine, but what about the bodies that war dropped-off on the back trails?

                The Diocesan paper, The Catholic Free Press had a small article on page 7 entitled “Priests learn of pay increase.” The raise was to be a $65 monthly pay raise Sept. 1, Bishop Reilly announced. One paragraph reported me this article “Retired priests living outside of diocesan or parish subsidized housing will also receive an increase in their housing allowance in September.” The article continued” “he committee recommended a $20 monthly increase, according to Msgr. Francis J. Scollen, chairman. The committee did not recommend a raise in the $6,480 car or the $00 retreat/study week allowance.”42

                This raise made Bishop Reilly look good in comparison to what the committee recommended. Who are we kidding? I never heard anything since 1993 of same monthly stipend without any increments of any form. I have to remind myself that they have me on “Administrative Leave.” 

June 26, 2000

                I was going through some old issues of Church. A couple articles I re-read a. “Rebuilding Trust: Clergy Sexual Abuse,” (1993) and “Taking Responsibility for Hope: One Priests Perspective.”(1996). The first article as written by Rev. Canice Connors, O.F.M. Conv. was president of the Saint Like Institute, a psychiatric hospital for clergy in Suitland, Maryland. He wrote “There can be no minimizing the harm inflicted when children and their trust are violated.” In another section he says “Yet the nature of child sexual abuse requires authentic forgiveness, conversion, and healing-a long and arduous process for most abused children suffers enormous losses in personal self-worth, self-confidence, and inner peace. They frequently feel that they have lost part if not all of their childhood.”43 The second article of “Taking Responsibility for Hope,” by Rev. Thomas J. Morgan who addressed self-acceptance and self-confidence. He describes these terms: “Self-acceptance allows us to integrate our strengths and weaknesses, using the power of our ‘dark side’ for growth and development. Self-acceptance is the beginning of the spiritual search for meaning and connecting with self and others. Self-confidence arises from knowing ourselves and being courageous enough to accept ourselves as we are-with particular strengths and weaknesses.”44 He keeps this paper in the nature of the priest.

                I sat and reflected on how everything being written or verbal pronounced about the Church Sex Abuse Crisis is only one way- guilty till proven innocent. I recall how my ministry was to do the Gospel. It had me working all kind of hours and concern. I was thinking how many times I had to check everything – the young people, facilities and even the adults that were in anyway part of parish programs. I was the guy that had to make sure everyone was on their right buses for religious head going to and from class. I was the guy that stood outside and watched that the youngsters all were safe and seeing who they were riding home with. This had to be done in all weather conditions. New England in the winter is brutal and I recall the investment I had to make in very warm jackets. It was not having a jacket to go for short walks or from one building to another.  One had to not forget that the adults that were involved were all volunteers. I used to call it the mad evaluations after class or program were over with. So, they had to get home for their suppers and families. So, it was me that stood outside and had to watch, it was me that had to check the facilities for safety reasons. It was me that was the one that walked into the rectory and had to take the phone calls for problems after everything was finished for the day or evening. It was me that had to organize youth trips and know that any finances were not going to come from the parish funds. It was a roller-coaster experience. The main objective was to give everyone a sense that religion as faith was precious as each of participants was valued people. So, reading and hearing about child abuse, it made me squirm to realize that it was a fact in our society. I was very consciousness of what pain and hurt prevailed in dealing with the people I worked with. I really believed that my ministry was a healing vocation. Self-confidence and self-acceptance were terms that I believed I had working in my personhood. Therefore, being allegated by two girls and having Catholic Church authority making me a “Poster Boy” had me reaching deeply into my personal self for strength and courage. I was, always, pouring out of my pitcher of life and found to be refreshed by understanding that the Gospel was alive in my ministry. But, then individuals came back at me with the fact that I was in denial. The game goes on. 

June 28, 2000

                My phone rang at 6:00 am. It was my cousin Michael Bish. He told me: “Molly is missing.” Molly was my cousin John J. Bish, Sr. daughter. He told me that she was abducted from Comins Pond, Warren, Massachusetts where she worked as a lifeguard. I was shocked and told him that I would be immediately out to West Warren- my home town. Mickey said that she was missing since yesterday morning (June 27^th) from her lifeguard post. Her belongings and beach chair with towel and first aid kit were only things that were found on the town public beech.

                I drove immediately to my Cousin John’s home which I remember arriving at 7:30 am. There were State Police, town police, town officials, ministers and other people all around the home. I was just there for my cousin and his wife- Maggie. I did a few errands to help them with. But, it was a situation of standing around and waiting for any news. It was a long day where I returned home at night and offered Mass for Molly’s safety.

                The next few days I drove out to West Warren and spent time with my cousin in the best way I knew how- by just being there. It was either by listening or physical presence that was my only help in this parlous situation. 

July 3, 2000

                The New York Post carried the story” Egan’s Church to have different look,” on it’s from page. It was interesting reading of ecclesiastical authority. “First the smiles, now the knife. As incense wafted through St. Patrick’s Cathedral in a ceremony celebrating Bishop Edward Egan’s assumption of power, New York’s new top Catholic made sure to thank certain church officials for their service.  Those gentile thanks may soon become slightly urgently goodbyes.  ‘It’s not a demotion,” said one well-connected priest. ‘It’s just a ‘Your time has passed. The, somewhat like O’Connor, are sort of like Irish political type of priests. They are seen to be from a different generation, a different time. A canonical lawyer who knew Egan when he served at the Vatican said ‘He learned a lot from the Romans. You don’t know who his enemies are until they’re laying on the floor bleeding.”45

                Archbishop Egan came from Connecticut, previously the Vatican and it seemed to be a sign that Rome was making appointments to deal with the present “crisis situation” by this top hierarchical post. This is what one may call the “ripple effect.” The quote of having a bishop of “a different generation, different time” is not surprising to learn of the Church. Here I am thinking that we live the Gospel message but in reality Church work is no different that any civil or business group. I still hear nothing from the Worcester Goon Squad (Chancery). 

July 7, 2000

                Besides what my cousin John and his wife- Maggie were going through, Molly’s situation was opening up a number of feelings that took me back to March of 1993. The first time I actually saw anything about Molly’ story was July 7^th. It was a story interviewing a Greg Taro of Warren, who was 14 year old friend of Molly. Then we hear Attorney Conte (Worcester District Attorney) say that his office had received about 600 phone calls of information on their 800 number concerning Molly’s disappearance. Then there is the story on TV that the authorities are checking Molly’s friends in Florida. This was the first hint that she may have run away. Oh? On Channel 5 news of Saturday, July 8^th, David Bowie reports that detectives on Molly’s case have so many stories that don’t just add-up. This reporter continues that with a reward of $20,000 may have something to do with all these calls. Attorney Conti was quoted as saying that it still was a criminal matter and hope that “Molly is somewhere out there.” It was like a twilight zone with a circus atmosphere. I do have to say that the DA Office officials, State Police, and local police conducted themselves professionally.  

July 15, 2000

                In the situation of the Molly Bish missing since June 27^th, there was only one card sent to me: Dear Fr. Kardas, We have been remembering your family in our prayers since the disappearance of Molly. How are you dong with this difficult situation? You are in our thoughts and prayers. Take care! Your friend Margaret and Martti (Peltola)”46 a priest that I have periodically said to me “Do let this unravel you?” He most likely was reacting because I was not at my desk for a coupe weeks. In addition, it was that “alcoholism problem” that I addressed in 1977. I do get this periodically as a reminder and at times a control issue. This was the only comments I received concerning what was happening to my family situation. I may be accused of having resentments or that people that didn’t know she was a family member. The fact is that it was something that was a fleeting moment. It was not.  Life goes on. Isn’t that an expression that one might hear in this day and age or someone already experienced in the history of humanity? 

July 25, 2000

                I was told that two priest that on Administrative leave are living at the Shrewsbury Retirement home. What is interesting was that Msgr. Battista and Fr. O’Donoghue were living in the elegant quarters for priest in Shrewsbury- suite of rooms, all meals, and garaged parking. What is most disturbing is how did these guys pull this-off and all their publicity on allegations. Yes, I was told they were friends of Bishop Harrington.  I live in a studio apartment and no one from the Diocese makes any contact about anything- housing, medical or anything else. I imagine that I would hear: Each priest is handled separately by the Bishop.

August 4, 2000

                I took myself over to my file cabinet and opened it to my file on “Priesthood.” A number of articles that I had enclosed into this folder from 1990 thru 1992 were orientated on an “industry” developing wheel the priesthood had a “dragnet going thought the water. Good and bad are getting caught-up.” (Fr. Tom Lynch) This was an eye opening experience of having a series of article of almost predicting what was going to drag mi into in 1993. It was more than a surprise. I am able to say a mild sock but not pulverizing. I was writing my daily journal or trying to write from a point of what mattered most- my priesthood. I found myself moving in dangerous water, addressing issues and concerns that  were painful to wrote my reflections and more painful to read what I was putting into words.  Yet, I realize that I my issues and concerns absolutely necessary to be write about. I struggled to write but it was something I had to continue to do to maintain any sense of integrity. I had pain in being separated from St. Edward’s Faith Community. A number of times I was invited to have dinner at Jack and Joan Keena’s house which was at the end of Church Street, Westminster. St. Edward’s was on this street and driving past the Church, I was able to view the sanctuary candle burning in its glass jar on the wall stand by the tabernacle. Here was the Eucharist reserved and I was able to view the light. My eyes were on this light because the church windows were clear pain windows. I was able to see this candle light from one side of the church and the other side going up the street. It was a place in front of the tabernacle that I spent some private time in prayer and meditation. But, now, I was outside. Fortunately, my theology education directed me that the Eucharist is in the body of any person you meet. Therefore, going for dinner was the Eucharist of another substance.

                I watched an old version of Saturday Night live with the Church Lady giving identity statement: “Isn’t that special.” This is a response I might give to being told “That’s Life!” I usually respond that “I’m adapting.” Somewhere I’ll get it that it isn’t that special!”

                Thee was a rumor that I heard that there were 900 priest caught in the “dragnet” of the 90’s. I wasn’t sure what the rumor carrier was trying to make as a point in this statement. But, I listened with my poker face and not response or reaction. One thing that I was learning was the pleasure of seeing history come alive, of seeing it unravel, of seeing behind history to the events and actors. It is, actually, a pleasure of seeing events being revealed in humanity so often concealed I history. 

August 9, 2000

                I found a cartoon entitled Ziggy in the morning local newspaper. What this showed was Ziggy climbing a step mountain: If life seems life it’s all uphill…You must be on your way toward reaching your peak.47 I would find items as such and reflect during my day. Even, I would review this at different times of the day or week. It was a reminder for me to have hope. But, it had to come from me and guidance of the Holy Spirit.  

August 12, 2000

                I read “Pedophiles and moral panic,” in The Tablet by Clifford Langley (Lay lines). The article begins “They use to call August the silly season, but thanks to Rupert Murdock’s News of the World we may have to call this one the nasty season. Its dangerously irresponsible decision to start publishing the names and pictures of all adult males in Britain with convictions for sex offenses against minors  has whipped up a national witch-hunt which has related in rioting, beatings , attacks on property and even arson.” The article concludes with the line: “Such moments of moral panic reveal just own sick or society has become. So throw a stone at a pedophile- it will make you feel better. And welcoming to the nasty season.”48

                I read such an article and wonder what people think even if my case was only allegated. I don’t forget how Harrington treated me with “You’re guilty till proven innocent.” Different place that I go to and meet people that know me has me jumpy. It has been sometime since 1993-1995. It is still somewhat there in my psychic disposition of a vampire society.

                This past Thursday at the AA Step Meeting I heard a good one: Before you accountable when drinking and now you’re responsible for your actions that your sober. It is surprising when something like this happens and it is happening more frequently. Again, before accountability, now responsibility is the theme of society playing back on my ministry. Yet, I recall how Attorney Carey statement: “You’re case can be opened at any time you want.” Does this have any cause to bring foreword? 

August 18, 2000

                I read in this week’s issue of The Catholic Free Press Official that Fr. Peter J. Inzerillo from pastor, St. Anthony d Padua Parish, Fitchburg to pastoral studies. He was replace by Fr. John M. Siciliano as administrator but Fr. Robert D. Bruso becoming pastor. Sicillano went on personal leave of absence from the diocese.

                Fr. Inzarello was allegated at the same time as I was. I had to resign in 1997. Inzarello gets pastoral studies in the official announcement. This is to be in context that I was never in the official media announcement or anything. Again, the game goes on with interesting spin- each case is handled on separate merits? After reading this, I was waking up at 2:30 am and just lying in bed, tossing and turning listening to the Coco clock for a few nights.  It was like one hell of a rush. I, possibly, should have realized the “wake-up call” a long time ago. But, it was the vocation issue which I know doesn’t play well in other peoples’ minds of me remaining.

                A classmate of mine from the seminary and diocese was heard telling and individual  in Boston: “ A friend of his lost his carrier and a lot more because of a few peoples’ allegations that never went to court but yet  the diocese did get rid of him.” When I heard this, I realized that this was about me. It is mind boggling to say the least. 

August 20, 2000

                Fr. Andrew M. Greeley wrote an article in the weekly column of a Chicago newspaper “Solving pedophilia.” He wrote “Many Catholic leaders still don’t ‘get it’ when the subject is pedophile. So they manage to do all the wrong things in response to the problem. Archbishop William Laveda earlier this month instituted a policy in San Francisco that would ban all teenagers from working in rectories, to protect the church from sexual abuse lawsuits. He writes about other examples and concludes: “It is this odd, indeed twisted, mentality that explains why some bishops make the mistakes they do and cause embarrassment to many of the faithful. Only when they are able to put themselves in the place of victims and their families and experience the horror of the abuse (and forget about the loss of money) will they begin to ‘get it. Fortunately, there are some bishops who do ‘get t’ but, also not nearly enough.”50

                This is the spin that is going back and forth as a ball in a ping-pong game.

                I was having coffee with a priest this afternoon after he finished his Masse. I tried to get a conversation going with him on The Changing Face f the Priesthood by Cozzens. He said to me that he didn’t read or see the book. But, then he shot out at me that I “need to read Chapter 5 (Becoming a Man) and that you don’t need to read anything in this book about the gay priesthood.” Now wait a minute, he tells me that he hasn’t seen this book and tells me about a Chapter 5- Becoming a Man. It was this type of argument (discussion) whenever I raised an issue of importance that I would get the “grow-up” response, time and again in the priesthood. A number of times I heard unofficially that I was a newly ordained priest that was “immature” in my ministry. The eyes of the beholder were orientated in such a message. But, the gay priesthood was the predominately the system. Working and living in this ministry had me in an unrealized conflict with a ‘special interest group.” Besides, this priest that I was having coffee with was a mind-game controller with whom I would never be able to form an alliance with to say the least. If anything, it was an acquaintance of profession where you bloody at times without even realizing it. Another analogy would be that he would cut you with a razor blade and you don’t realize it until some time later.

                I had a prepared agenda to discuss with this priest. One insight that I saw developing was an institutional inertia with a primer of a new life in the Church community. The clerical culture we were ministering in rewarded docility and compliance. No distortions were beginning to be the status quo in church life. In the book, I read in at least six reviews that the hot chapter was “Sexual Orientation.” This breaks the silence that was such a factor since my ordination I, also, realized that the silence spilled out over in the treatment of other people... I was even going to discuss our Deanery (area) meetings where there was a profound fear of thinking and speaking out on issues or have an issue carried to the Presbyter (Diocesan) group. Silence was the expected form of conduct. None of this occurred because the other guy refused to discuss anything. I was realizing more and more that what I was educated (1966-1970) into while attending the seminary and newly ordained in the immediate period following the Second Vatican Council. I was told back them that there was the period of ideals but would not last long before restoration of the patriarchal model. Here is this situation of trying to have a discussion and being told to grow-up. This is the notorious immaturity label being redone with conformity message. Business goes on as usual- boys in the band play on.  

August 24, 2000

                I was reflecting of what the new pastor of St. Edward’s had to say to me three times at our last supper. “The people of St. Edward’s don’t want you back, Ted!” I was wondering more how he had to keep stressing that comment at me. I really believe he had a bigger issue with this than “the people of St. Edward’s.” I was sure that a number of people may have communicated this to him and I bet that I was able to tell him who may have said that type of statement. Again, Kilcoyne has an ego situation- first class. Yet, I let him rent space in my head. Yes, Fr. Kilcoyne, you are the pastor of St. Edward’s. Some of the people from the parish that you have delegated to leadership positions are know as “la-la” land people- Sweet Pea and Popie. The Gas Station Model is enforced with all the quick service so the lines won’t get long. It must be the super service ideal to keep everyone pleased and insulate the clericalism. Good luck.

                Actually, I didn’t think quickly enough. But what I should have shot back at him was that the Catholic Church is not a democracy where people in a parish choose who is the pastor. It is the ecclesial authority (bishop) that does this specific duty. My quick response should have been: “St. Edward’s is not a Protestant Church (Trustees or Committee appoint), Good Father.”

September 1, 2000

                I came across an article in the National catholic Reporter latest issue by Jason Berry entitled “Why I am (Still) a Catholic Priest. How one reporter kept the faith while breaking the story on priest sex abuse?”

                What had my attention was he is the author of Lead Us Not into Temptation which was published in April of this year. I went on the internet and under Barnes & Nobel.com where I read 4 pages of synopsis, reviews and chapter titles.51t was a book to get for my research and library. What I realized how little I was aware of what was happening on a larger picture and my nerviness in I thought I knew somewhat of what was going on in general Boy, I was wrong. But, even this day it was as though getting a new pair of glasses where everything is sharpened and focused.

                The article by Jason Berry “Why I am (Still) a Catholic” had me reading with most interest. Berry referred to some his reading in days of old of Albert Camus. This was some of my readings in the 60’s. He wrote” “My spiritual guide in those years was an agnostic, Albert Camus, the French novelist and political philosopher. His notion of resisting evil and his emphasis on the search for an ethos of personal responsibility has sonic boom echoes for me. His essay “The Almond Trees” is a meditation on unjust power.” He also wrote in this article that in a 1986 Commonweal essay, Loyola of New Orleans theologian James Gaffney assessed the clinging numbers of people going to confession and attributed it to changing perceptions of sin,. Gaffney’s piece had a profound effect on my thinking. “Catholic moral thinking habitually understood sin in relation to sinners more than in relation to the victims of sin,’ he wrote. The victims, the sinned-against, did not find solace in the confessionals. I wrote Gaffney in a chapter called “Therapy: The New Confession,” and applied his notion of ‘he sinned-against’ to survivors whose struggle I found myself chronicling.” “This did not put pedophile, pathology, on apart with homosexuality, and orientation. But the documents (Bishops) charted a rational for secrecy and about a range of sexual behavior patters: cover up, denial, counter attack. There was not shortage of duplicity about priest having sexual relations with women. Yet the perverse irony of the culture, as Andrew Greeley note in a National Catholic Reporter article is that transgression soft heterosexual priest drew punishment from bishops, while the behavior of actively gay clerics was quietly ignored. I found the ties between gay men and clerical life to be a kind of schizophrenia in the church’s internal culture.”52

                When I read Barry’s article in the National Catholic Reporter and comments about sin and confession, I recall how my moral theology education in the late 60’s was during the time of the proclamation of Human Vitae (Birth Control) Encyclical. Sin was taught in regards to relationship with regard to any action (s). This relationship incorporated the individual (me), others, and God. There was the issue of accountability, responsibility, and amends. Even in 1973, Karl Menninger wrote Whatever Became of Sin? Menninger was not even Catholic. The culture was orientated on what I called obsessive individuals. But, whenever I mentioned that, I was reminded that is what it are to be an American and our society. Confession was used as part of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. One has to realize the vision and insight Pope John XXIII had in the 50’s by calling a Council for the Catholic Church. He had the realization that everything had to be reviewed of the pastoral nature of the sacraments in the Church. This was to include Confession. Therefore confession was celebrated in private but had an orientation of sorrow, resolution to reform, penance and living the Christian life that was based on theological (faith, hope, and charity) and moral virtues (prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance). So the issue of victim was always part of anyone’s confession and justice. The issue of sexual abuse and victims was always understood as traumatic and help was expected... However, it became apparent that there were people that had desire for money and/or notoriety. But, church authorities only used the “dragnet gong through the water” and guilty till proven innocent” approach. A form of justice or questioning was disregarded in my case and I wonder how many other priests.

                What happened at first reading of Barry’s article was general knowledge for me at first. But, then a second reading had me connecting different dots in my experiences of late and other reflections. I don’t think I would say that I was baffled. But, it was another wake-up call in my life’s journey of new insights. The issue of “clerical internal culture” was another issue of rubbing the mud off my eyes. However, I should not forget that I was limited in clerical contact at this time and whenever I did speak to any priest; it was only one or two different occasions of late. This “clerical internal culture" had its own language. One guy kept telling me that I had to take people as they were. The other priest that I was in contact with I had to listen and watch his “double meanings.” It was mind boggling. My prayer much time now was: “Lord, give me the grace to respond with your character and to express your power.”

 It may be a serious misconception but the sacredness of conscious and Christ’s demand for charity was not to be seen by me. I did believe in the seriousness of conscious and a faith community being either the parish or diocese. I was maintaining myself in the exile while I sat by the river in Babylon.

September 8, 2000

                I’ve been reading Fr. Henri Nouwen on the internet for daily reflection this date he writes “Daily engagement with the Eucharist and intensity of his friendship. Unafraid to acknowledge the perils of the spiritual life is to reveal the man in relation to God with a struggle with anguish, loneliness and need for acceptance. My desires are mixed with fear that breaks out of the rules that others expect of me.53

                I was reading Nouwen’s daily mediation on the internet that was a time for refection of my journey and traveling conditions. A number of times I had to remind myself that I was not out here alone or exception of what others have and are experiencing. It is painful at times.

September 14, 2000

                I have been one to read as much as possible and read different sources. The daily newspaper in the area- Worcester Telegram & Gazette had their columnist- Dianne Williamson entitled: Assault on Justice Outlook. She wrote “The term ‘sexual assault’ when linked to a child, has become so highly charged that it is now difficult, if not impossible to inject a measured response into any issue involving a minor.”54

                This I was surprised to read because Williamson had written a number of strong articles on clergy in the past few years. Yet, she writes such a comment was very astonishing to read.

September 30, 2000

Doing this writing has me thinking in a reflective mode. Yet, it has taken me through a path where I Recall that history teaches us important lessons. There is a paraphrase saying: “Those who are not students of their own history are bound to repeat it.” It never ceases to amaze one how many people gap any attention to their short comings. We’d all do well t look at ourselves objectively every day by paying attention to ones personal history; we learn many important lessons. Doing so enables us to anticipate consequences and make wise decisions.

Yet, the value of living the Paschal Mystery of Holy Thursday, God Friday, and Easter in addition to the 50 Days and the Ascension I try to let and see life in all it glory.

October 2, 2000

                Ann Landers had a column entitled “Bizarre behavior linked to many things.” I was not one that followed this column. But, a number of times, there is a column as such that I re-read. This particular article was written by Lloyd in British Columbia to Anne Landers. It spoke about “Norma. had been acting in a bizarre fashion. She made horrible accelerations about her parents, and was irrational when the tied to peak other. Norm’s odd behavior and hostile accusations sound a lot like those false recovered memories that were so popular a few yeas ago. This now-discredited type of therapy was based on the flaky theory that all adult problems are the result of some childhood trauma, the memories of which have been repressed. The assumption was that as children, these patients must have been sexually abused by their parents in order of the memories to be so deeply repressed. Under this so-called ‘therapy,’ patients are taught to recover these non-existence memories.” Ann Landers responded: “Dear Lloyd: You’re used some extremely harsh language, but I go along with every word you have written. Thanks for another opportunity to unmask those charlatans who destroy families.”55

                This was used against me some 18 years down the road. Excuse me, there were other agendas being played out with the two female allegation people against me. It was due to part of being a priest on my part and one has to think of money and teachings of the Catholic Church that didn’t fit part of these girls notoriety.

                This same day the local paper carried the article “bishop forgiving $2.6 million in debts owed to the diocese.”  It reported that Bishop Daniel P. Reilly announced yesterday that during this Jubilee Year, he is forgiving total of $2.6 million in debt owed the diocese. He is forgiving seminarian debt for tuition loans, parish money owed The Catholic Free Press, the diocesan weekly newspaper, and bills owed the diocese which is older than Aug. 31, 1995.”56

                This had me opening my eyes very wide reading this. It seemed each category of forgiving was somewhat in my area of involvement in my ministry.  It is this constant insight that may constantly sound as having a negative agenda. It is reality. When the Bishop forgives seminarian loans, I was one that worked each summer vacation and any others work that I way able to find to pay my tuition bills. I, actually, never had a vacation until I was ordained. I was told you have a three week period before reporting for my firs assignment. It was very strange because until then, I was working practically everyday I was able to find work of some nature to earn money for my tuition or other school expenses. The rub for me was that I had classmates telling me after ordination that they had large seminary loans and were not going to pay them off. They even collected their ordination envelopes and gifts and buying “homes” at Cape Cod. I didn’t have this privilege. I paid all my ordination expenses where the pastor of my home parish even gave me a bill for the bishop’s lunch following the ordination- box of cigars which I saw the pastor give Bishop Flanagan included in the itemized bill given to me. In addition, I had to buy a car at this time. Then the Catholic Free Press issue was where I, as pastor, made sure that the parish paid this bill in full and all diocesan bills allocated by St. Edward’s. Again, some classmates and other priest I knew dogged this bill and others by saying that they didn’t care. Lastly, here the issue of bills to the Worcester Diocese bills previous to Aug. 31, 1995. This would have included my loan for legal fees on my allegations. Nothing was ever directed to me about this. I qualified for this debt reduction. So, I thought. Yet, the diocese continued to deduct from my monthly stipend. I was wondering what the poverty level was considered in our present living conditions. I was living in a studio apartment because it was all I was able to afford. Here, again is the famous speculation- Each priest is handled separately. One of my classmates, I heard, who was put on Administrative Leave at the same time as myself, was receiving $800 a month more than I was receiving. The game goes on. But, I would not crawl.

October 4, 2000

                I began reading Henri Nouwen’s work, Sabbatical Journey. My initial goal was to develop from this reading a model of dealing with my ups and downs at times. He was considered the top spiritual director and writer of this generation.  Nouwen on his sabbatical deals in his feelings of dryness and darkness of prayer and friendship. I related because I felt at times being out of sight, out of mind. I was getting very few telephone calls or get together with people that I knew. It was a dry season. This is where I had the feeling of being a “non-person” with the diocese Here I go with the thinking of not being invited to anything and any correspondence. There was no contact at all and it had me going emotionally. The question I needed to ask myself was when I was going to let go of my nibbling little ego, my fears, resentments and narrow-mildness? Actually, I was somewhat able to deal with this at my AA meetings especially the Steps Meeting and other meeting that was a discussion group.

But, I was becoming aware that I was wounded which had o be take as a gift in disguise. My abandonment leads me to let go of fear and surrendering my spirit to the one who acceptance had no limits. Certain people help me with my wounds. Yet, I realized that I was still standing on my own two feet and moving forward. I was going with my own conscience and not what certain people told me what to do. It was always an issue. Henry Thoreau’s quote comes to mind: “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away.”

October 7, 2000

                I celebrated my 56^th birthday today; I was having back pain which was mostly at previous times due to a stress situation. So, what was it this time besides sitting in my “cave?” It was a lot to do with my worry and gaining weight. I was at this time pant size 40” X 29”. I packed on some weight and was being reminded by a number of people. This was a good wake-up call to me for health and appearance.

                I reflected also upon my writing. It was as though the writing was a field full of thorn bushes. I had a deep inner resistance previously to writing any of my inner thoughts and feelings especially in letter form. But, I did write weekly Sunday sermons (homilies) and daily Eucharist (Mass) celebrated short homilies which were only outlines points of a few points dealing with those days Scripture readings.  This inner resistance to write about the Church became like a field full of thorn bushes. I guess fear had entrapped me and for that reason had me avoiding it. But, this day, I said to my inner person get going with my writing. I recall reading Nouwen writing that he had a lot to think about and reflect upon. He loved the Church as the Body of Christ. This was my exact though.

October 11, 2000

                This was an experience. I had not telephone service therefore no internet. I called from another phone to the telephone company and was told that there would be no service until the next day.  At the time of this call, I was given a recorded message that the line was being repaired. I walked outside on my return and found a line on the ground that must have been hit by a large truck or vehicle. It was a very strange feeling of no contact with the outside world by phone or internet. Now, some people would enjoy this. At first, I was lost, but then said to myself that it is time to catch-up on some reading and go to sleep earlier than usual. It was as though had a big snowstorm and no one was going anywhere feeling. It was only October and no storm of any nature. It was different. I enjoyed myself and realized that I had to do this periodically of read, put some Neil Young on the sound and let it be.

                I read an excerpt of Nouwen’s writing where he said: “I love the church. I do not want to write about the church as a problem, source of conflict, a place of controversies, but as the Body of Christ for us here and now...”

                I had similar feelings going through me as previously mentioned as going through a field full of thorn bushes and feeling entrapped. I was taking one step and day at a time in my journaling.

October 12, 2000

                I continue reading Nouwen for actual strength and realization that my feelings and experience are not isolated. This day had Nouwen saying that he experienced this rest of this day being tedious and a difficult day, again. He felt lonely, depressed, and unmotivated. Most of the day, he continued, had him fiddling around with little things. He wrote that he experienced the same old pain that had been with him for many years and never seemed to go completely away. Meanwhile, he has feeling as an offender, depression, anguish, and rejection that gradually disappeared like the soon melting in fields during spring. He them shares how in that morning he celebrated the Eucharist in the living room of his little guesthouse with a little group of friends and family  which easily became the core of a small liturgical community.

                Boy, this was my story time and time again. Whenever I thought I was the only one going through my experience and all, there was Nouwen and I imagine many others.

October 14, 2000

                While attending AA meetings, I heard different stories and I heard my story. One particular example was when I didn’t want to deal with something, I drank especially at night. I was alone after a busy day and wanted to forget it al. So, I drank to numb myself. Actually, the drinking had my body go the other way of making my body “race.” The system of the rectory in having no privacy and a feudal system of living was not anything I would wish on any one... There was the stress of my new priesthood in not knowing the ropes, clicks, especially the politics of an associate pastor (curate) and pastor. Then, there was the issue of “special issue group.” How ironic that I was so busy that thee was “loneliness.” I recalled this from my MA studies at Assumption College where I attended a day seminar on “Loneliness” with Clark Mostakis some six years after ordination. It was encountering my feelings after ordination. I was getting answers to my issues of loneliness and knowing that I didn’t need to “run around” to accomplish my ministry. It was a “Gas Station Ministry” of satisfying everyone that came to the door or Church. It was emotionally draining. Then the Church at that time expected what I called “Tinker Bell” ministry. It was the Disney symbol of Thinker Bell” flying out of the castle and spraying pixy dust over the screen and flying back into the castle. This was the ministry I was doing. It was as celebrating (performing) liturgical ceremonies and sprinkling God’s grace and run back into the rectory. It was a time in my beginning priesthood that services were constantly being celebrated as Masses, funerals, weddings, novenas. Prayer services. On and on it went. This was what was expected besides doing religious education program and youth programs. It was a burn-out cylinder atmosphere. This was a trap of a Vatican II model of Church but having to do in the 1951 model. Where was the issue of faith?

                I was struggling to find if resurrection, as I learned in my theology education, was not simply an event after death but a reality of everyday life. Our care for our body to have unity must go beyond organization, intimacy beyond eroticism and integrity, beyond psychological wholeness. I was given this in my final retreat before ordination. It was nice in theory. But, the reality of parish work was another situation.

October 15, 2000

                Here is a strange experience on my part: I’m enjoying solitude and quietness. I have not turned on the TV or radio. I am comfortable doing my journal writing and research. I recall one of the great mysteries of our faith is that a burden, even a small one, carried alone and in isolation can destroy us. But, a burden went carried as part of God’s burden can lead us to new life. I, also, recall reading sometime back-Not want to drink my cup. I’m wanting and not wanting, being able and not being able and how that tension can best be lived in a loving community. I don’t seem to have it with my priesthood in the Worcester Diocese. But, I have some former parishioners in the next town and people I meet at AA meetings that make up my “loving community.” There is some isolation feeling and I find fear with worry about what next in a phone call. Yet, I celebrate my morning Eucharist (Mass), do my daily Divine Office, and walk my three miles saying the rosary. The rosary is only part of the walk. So, the other time is reflecting on God’s will and trying to find it as an expression of God’s love. I sometimes wonder how I am going to survive emotionally. It certainly requires a great inner strength and confidence to “let go” of the servant leadership role. Many leaders cling to their positions as long as they are able to do it. During the daily Eucharis, I used to have in the parish a lively discussion on the Gospel of that day. I found that by doing that I encountered a deep admiration for Jesus. I realized he love not only me but all of humanity. He loves me but also he criticizes me. He cares for me but also unsettle me. He supports me but also calls me to reach out beyond my limits. There were and are times that I feel intense, serious, and probating. I find that whenever I feel little “loses” as when my day is not evolving as I expected. But even these cases, for the sake of Jesus, are in communion with his redemptive death. I recall either hearing or reading that one's loses can gradually free us for our self-centeredness and opens our heart to the new life that comes from God. A number of people have tried to steer me with their insights. Yet, I hear an internal voice telling me to preserve as I see well.

                My faith and unbelief are never that far from each other. It is exactly at that place where they touch each other that the growing dog of my life is. I miss solitude at times and time to pray and read because I have this nervous energy going in my make-up. I realize at time how wonderful silence and solicitude s. What a gift. II do feel most happy in my little room (cave) writing and researching on the internet and reading. The Eucharist is a comfort and hope. Obviously, my homily time is a period of reflection. I recall at this particular time the Emmaus Gospel recognizing Jesus in the breaking of the bread and returning to their community. I am somewhat limited to this. I do get out into the community. Yet, I still look over my shoulder to see if I recognize anyone or to be surprised by “Fr. Kardas!” But, I recall how in the Emmaus Gospel that Jesus showed heart to each of us and called each of us to love with our grief, loss, anger, guilt, and pain which we move to recognize that in as Jesus is present among us. It is in my former parishioners and AA members I know that I most find now a community of support, love, and care where our grief can gradually be transformed into gratitude. I do feel anxious with inferiority where I realize that I’m walking around with some deep unresolved emotions and to much need for them to surface to throw me off balance. I have free-floating emotions of love, hate, rejection, attraction, gratitude, and reject tensions in my search for peace.

                It is something for the Pentecost time in the Church calendar where I realize that God breaks through barriers of time for re-creating the power of love. It is a time where I actually am able to say: I don’t know. I knew what issued, but I do not know how to say it... This time of my life, I’m in my late 50’s with new thoughts, feelings emotions and passion that have arisen within me that are not all in line with my previous thoughts, feelings, emotions and passions.

                Does it take courage on my part to move in new direction (writing), even when doing so may be disappointing for some people? But, others say they want to read my story. My path has interesting people coming into it. I realized different insights of broken friendships, anger, jealousy, resentment, and feeling of rejection which have me in conflict with some people. I, always, starved for unity, community and a deep sense of longing. But, this changes at different times.

                All of this has to be realized in where I remain faithful to my primary ovation even if I had to hear Bishop Rueger tell me at the Bishops’ Residence with Bishop Harrington and Monsignor Tinsley that the “ only place you are going is a monastery.”

                Yet courage was the Gospel’s blessing to me. I received courage in my whole life from others. In my heart, I have this courage to listen to my heart, to speak form my heart and to act from my heart. Whenever I have courage to take a stance, I realize how to respond to the situation that I am in.

                I recall reading that often we praise prophets after they are dead. Are we willing to be prophets when we are alive?”

                I finished reading Nouwen’s Sabbatical Journey this day. I reflected this work in my own journey and writing. I found this work very refreshing, thought provoking, comfortable, at peace with my self, and enjoyable. I want more of those feeling for my writing, solitude, quietness, and reflective atmosphere. But, the leper lives in the cave.

October 16, 2000

                So that I get another perspective of my journaling and writing, I pick-up Ulysses S. grant work, The Personal Memoirs. He uses the line that he is a verb and not a personal pronoun. I thought very insightful to reflect even on myself in that not getting bogged down with the “me” but think and write in a verb- action.

                This is where getting outside and walking the three miles (approx. one hour) has the verb working and not getting stuck with a personal pronoun.

                This is where when I read the Gospel during Holy Week, everything that happened are the same emotions that I have. IN my experience, especially, since 1993, I was rejected, loss of friends and family. Christ lived through everything that I experienced and it does bring me that much closer to knowing Christ.

                But, when I read anything the Holy Father, Jon Paul II, writes from Rome, I heard that he is trying to move the issue up a notch. A commentator I heard says that he does things by his writings to “raise the bar.” But, I wonder how many people he alienates who can’t jump high enough to reach it, in that there is too much distance that separates Vatican documents and the daily life of ordinary families and people. The Holy Father sets high standards especially in what I read on documents say about the family. It is an ideal. What the Church as a family is portrayed in one light but in reality from Rome and the Diocese of Worcester is far of the radar screen. It operates more in a feudal system than the world we live in at present. But, I educated in theology that you usually hear the rational party line, bit on occasion you read or hear quite an interesting departure. It was not happening at this time in the Church. What was happening was a withdrawal to a pre-Vatican III model.

                Another observation of what I was dealing with was how the Church in my Diocese and legal system (Canonical and Civil) did to me what the professional medical world does to a dying patient. They tell the patient, nothing. The patient has to summarize for self. You can’t even get a doctor to say anything to a patient. The Bishop of Worcester (Harrington) did the same towards me. But, the bishop had me under “psychiatric umbrella” at the IOL, Hartford and attending AA twice a week by the obedience thing in that I ad to attend. If anything I showed myself to those in charge that I was capable of learning, curious, and enthusiastic for dialogue. It was never happening. Why did I expect a change on the hierarchy’s part? I was put into isolation when they told me: “Just go and we will get a hold of you.” (Rueger)

                Another viewpoint that came to mind at this time was when doing ministry, I didn’t learn to be more careful until an issues’ frenzy that was whipped by certain people of a “special interest group” in that they stretched out their tentacles after me. I observed that anyone who dared to stand-up would be “forthwith” removed from his church office as pastor or professorship/ it was all under the reign of John Paul II in comparison to Pope John XXIII or Pope Paul VI.

                This day I was reading Fr. Henri Nouwen’s “Daily Meditation” from Bread for the Journey for October 24^th. It stated: “Loving the Church often seems close to impossible. Still, we must keep reminding ourselves that all people in the Church belong to the long line of witnesses moving through this valley of tears, singing songs of priest and thanksgiving, listening to the voice of their Lord and eating together from the bread that keep multiplying as it is shared. When we remember that we may be able to say, “I love the Church, and I am glad to belong to it.”57

                This was my belief and journey that I was on. I had to hear time and time against contrary- leave. How was I able to walk away with my belief and understanding of what is Church and my own faith due to Vatican II.

October 26, 2000

                I was reading Pope John XXIII: A Spiritual Journey by Christian Feldman (2000). I read how Cardinal Roncalli presented a speech at his Diocesan (Venice) synod of 1957. He “he delivered about the ‘spiritual fatherhood’ of a bishop must have alarmed the mossbacks, whose sway in the Vatican after Montini’s departure was absolute. ‘Authoritarian behavior stifles life,’ Roncalli said. ‘It mistakes harshness for strength and stiffness for dignity. Paternalism is a caricature of fatherliness. It considers people immature in order to safeguard it own superiority…it lacks respect for the rights of subordinates.’ “58

                My eyes lit-up because this was not the experience I had in the rectory since ordination and being a Pastor. Bishop Flanagan, who ordained me, was known as a gentleman. But, the system was pre-Vatican II with nationalities having their own camps in the Diocese besides the “special interest group.” I was first assigned to a territorial parish as a Polish “boy.” Actually, there were more people of Polish ancestry in my first assignment (St. George’s, Worcester) that the census of half of the Polish parishes in the Worcester Diocese. But, I was called a “traitor” by a number of Polish priests. I, even, joined the newly formed “priest union” in the Diocese. We had the permission of Bishop Flanagan at that time. I only existed for few years due to undercover pressure from pastors at that time. It was something to sit at my rectory dinner table and watch a Monsignor (Pastor) and Resident Priest (Rueger) react to whenever I was going to attend a “Union” meeting. They said nothing. It was the silent treatment. Then Bishop Harrington, who was auxiliary to Bishop Harrington, was Vicar for Clergy and their assignments- with recommendation the Ordinary. (Bishop Flanagan). The overall atmosphere was authoritative especially with Harrington. When I read this sourced on Pope John XXIII, it described my time with two out of three pastors that I served with (under). It was so true that two of these pastors mistook harshness for strength. There was the paternalism model of the 1930’s. I was reminded that I was the “curate” especially by one at table with two other priests sitting for dinner. Reading John XXIII speech explained how they had to consider young priest as “immature in order to safeguard its own superiority…it lacks respect for the rights of subordinates.”  Harrington tried to give you the impression that he was your “buddy.” He was far from that in how he conducted himself in his role with me. Whenever he would talk with me either by phone or at a function, it was “red alert” time. What I mean is that you have to watch what you say or body language- poker player time.

October 27, 2000

                I had an n interesting visit and conversation with Bob O’Brien (Bob’s Hot Dog Truck of 1993 fame) in West Boylston. He said that Fred Hensier of Worcester stopped by his truck one day that week. Fred used to ride motorcycle with me when I was at St. George’s. He told Bob that I was “retired.” This was the first time that I heard this. Now, it might not seem as much but some priest had to tell Fred this in a conversation where my name had to be mentioned. I never heard anything like this from the Bishop (Reilly).               

October 27, 2000

This day I read on the internet “Daily Mediation, October 24” by Nouwen on “Forgiving the Church- but when we reject the Church, it becomes very hard for us to keep in touch with the living Christ.  ... The challenge is to forgive the Church. The challenge is especially great because the Church seldom ask for forgiveness” at least not officially…while the Church as the living Christ among us continues to offer forgives. It is implant to teach about the Church as ‘over there’ but as a community of struggling weak people of whom we are part and in whom we meet our Lord and Redeemer.”59

October 31, 2000

                Reading Henri Nouwen’s “Daily Mediation: October 31” with “Focusing on the Poor: Like e very human organization the Church is constantly in danger of corruption. As soon as power and wealth come to the Church, manipulation, exploitation, misuse of influence and outright corruption are not far away. How do we prevent corruption in the Church? The answer is clear by focusing on the poor. The poor make the Church faithful to its vocation. When the Church is no longer a church for the poor, it loses its spiritual identity. It gets caught up in disagreements, jealousy, power games, and pettiness. Paul says, “God has composed the body so that greater dignity is given to the parts which were without it, and so that there may be disagreements inside the body but each part may be equally concerned for all the other” (1Conthians 12:24-25). This is the true vision. The poor are given to the Church so that the Church as the body of Christ can be and remain a place of mutual concern, love, and peace.”60

                My experience since March, 1993 had been much different than a place of “concern, love, and peace.” How about me describing grit poverty, deep loneliness, painful isolation, real depression and much emotional suffering at my end and what I experienced? I was told “We will call you.” I had not contact at all with anyone from the Chancery and priest of the Diocese besides one guy. It was not anything to write home to “mother” about.

I was reading from a desk calendar for October 31^st: “Watch your back- While off on a hunting trip in 1195, Byzantine emperor Isaac II Angelus was dethroned but his brother, who proclaimed himself Emperor Alexius III Angelus. The he pursued his brother, taking him prisoner, and gouging out his eyes-even though Isaac had earlier saved     Alexius from captivity and showered him with honors.”61 I read in the life of Pope John XXIII where he said “History is the teacher of life.” I thought that I studied and enjoyed history. I, obviously, had a lot more reading and studying to do in history and other matters.

November 4, 2000

 There was swirling at this time the George W. Bush DUI story of 1976. The day before, Friday, a lawyer fro Portland, Maine by the name of Tom Conley disclosed this information publicly. Connolly said he had clients as teachers who had lost their carriers because of DUI arrest. Bush’s DUI was in Maine. Let us not forget, the Bushs’ Kennebunkport, Maine. Connley said that he found out from a “public figure” that passes this news to him. There had been whispering campaign that I recall hearing years before about George W. and drinking problem (issue). The same whispering was how George W. jumped 500 applications to get into the Texas National Guard during the Vietnam War Daddy’s influence and all of Daddy’s shares in a Texas oil company would never have truthfulness be an issue.

There even was a CNN Saturday morning program whose had a commentator (Kim) saying that for Bush that all of this “should be off the table” George W. even said: “When I was young, I did a lot of foolish things.” But, never admitting anything. Yet, here was a situation that showed what prestige, power, money, and relativability was able to get these stories “off the table.” So and issue of DUI with George W. going to be President of our country makes me wonder about his character in regards to reliance, trust , honesty, and openness. So this was our government. The issue of the DUI with George W. Bush was covered up by himself and many others. So, this was also in the Church with the hierarchy and the power and means to carry out any issue. The Poster Boy had to be developed in the Diocese of Worcester.

                I never had A DUI or anything when I did “a let of foolish things.” I had goals and followed my conscience of the spirit of Vatican II in the Catholic Church. Possibly some people thought I was considered a maverick and even called a “traitor” by some. I was even approached by priest in my Deanery X at that time of being pastor, to soften my approach of renewal with official church ritual and policies. I used to devour in my reading all of the latest prom gated issues by the Church n Rome and American Bishops many late nights at that time. Boy, I was naïve.

                This even continued on where I read about “The Montachussett Chorale will present a concert to benefit autistic children in the Montachuestt area on Sunday, Dec. 3^rd at St. Leo’s Church, 128 Main St., Leominster. For tickets call Colonial Flower Shop, 534-9187.”62 This was directed by Fr. Peter Inzarrello, my classmate, who was allegated at the same time I was in 1993. Father Inzarillo was able to do his thing. I had to sit in my “cave” treated like a leper. Again, I was naïve because Inzarrello was part of the Worcester Chancery at that time, being the Vocation Director. 

                Whenever I get in this comparing or otherwise agenda mode, I have to remind myself of “forgiveness.” I have to remind myself I preached or spoke enough times about this. So, now keep reminding myself in making it a daily happening for my journey. I re-read Fr. Henri Nouwen on forgiveness: “To forgive another person from the heart is an act of liberation. We set that person free from the negative bonds that exist between us. We say, ‘I no longer hold your offense against you.’…We also free ourselves from the burden of being the ‘offended one.’ As long as we do not forgive those who have wounded us, we carry them with us or, worse, pull them as a heavy lad. The great temptation is to cling in anger to our enemies and then define ourselves as being offended and wounded by them. Forgiveness, therefore, liberates not only the other but also us.”63 

                This is my challenge that I have to keep reminding myself with Bishop Harrington and has Chancery Gang. It is a continuous reminder to do this whenever I get into a negative way which is at time puzzling and soul-stirring. Yet, I made some kind f transformation or enlightened whenever I in cooperated a forgiving attitude. What I have to realize that I have to keep doing this over and over again.

                This is where my image of Jesus comes on the screen of his emotional crucifixion. The fact He is betrayed, misunderstood, alone, morally lonely, the greatest lover in the world, with God as his soul melts. I recall studying how there is “lineal space.” This is a short time, even one hour, where one is inside a new world, undergoing gestation, wanting for new birth. Gethsemane awaits us all. I find this that I have to re-invent myself and do it freely.

November 5, 2000

                I was learning more about myself by incorporating a self-evaluation and self-motivation techniques. I was. Always doing this at different times in my life and ministry is a constant challenge... I was one that asked questions, listening to people’s experiences and insights. I tried to read as much as possible on a topic. If not satisfied I would research an issue until I had some answered or adequate information to explain something or try to solve an issue. It was my make-up to read, question, and talk about issues.

November 7, 2000

                The Boston Globe carried a story written by James Carroll (Globe Staff ) about Sr. Jeannette Normandin. “ Sister Jeannette Normandin, a Catholic Nun for 52 years, was fired recently from he ministry at the Jesuit Urban Center in Boston’s South End, where she live and worked for 11 years.”64

                What I read in conjunction with Normandin that she, “along with Fr. George Winchester, helped baptize tow baby boys-both the adopted children of same-sex couples- On Oct. 22 JUC leaders says Normandin’s actions go against Catholic doctrine that only ordained priests may perform baptisms and other official sacraments. Lay people may only perform baptism in emergency situations. The Catholic Church does to ordain women…. About two months ago, Normandin was ordered by Bishop John Murphy to stop delivering homilies during Sunday services at the JUC, a task also reserved for ordained priests. Church officials also took issue with her donning rational priestly garb while participating in a wedding ceremony law summer.”65

                I recall this case where there was talk that there was a meeting at JUC without Sr. Normandin, where she was dismissed (fired) charged, traded, found guilty, and sentenced. There was no due process given to Sister.

                When I heard this story, I realized that this sounded very familiar of my particulars- guilty till proven innocent. (Bishop Harrington to Father Kardas in 1993).

November 9, 2000

                One day I met Mrs. Joanne Curtin at the local supermarket. She talked to me how when she was teaching religious education at St. Edward’s on Monday nights and how I looked after a Deanery Meeting. These meetings were on Monday’s, once a month with lunch, of the area priests. She described me in that I looked so drained and knew that this must have been the monthly Deanery meeting. I explained that I was drained because I would sit with my area brother priest and talk, talk, and talk and never really did anything in proposals or programs. I used the term that these meetings were “verbal babul talk.” I considered these types of meetings as just busy time and make it look good for the Chancery and each other and nothing was done. This viewpoint would have been rebottled by some priest in saying that we need to do this type of gatherings. I’m sure if there was an agenda and goals to be contributed to our parish ministry and area as such. There were a couple of my brother priest who would what I called preformed at the meeting and lunch. They had what is known in the clerical world as the “red rash.” They were maneuvering to become Monsignors. It was a peacock show by these two particular guys. Yet, if I or anyone dared to say we are wasting our time at these meetings, there was the rebottle by one of this priest that it was good to get together at least for the companionship. It was more like to get the gossip update. The one that was saying that really didn’t do much in his parish. But, he had the gift of talking and emphasizing one small achievement as a major achievement. It was an art that he thought he had. But, knowing the situation, it was where you wanted to pull your waders higher listening to him. If I wanted anything from the Deanery was working with other pastors to upgrade our education by developing our creativity, discovering new programs that may work and be dreamers in our ministry. I never realized how drained I was after these meetings. Yet, I had to go to high school religious equation classes in the parish those Monday nights.

November 10, 2000

                I read an article in The Catholic Free Press by Elizabeth Marcel, Associate Director of the RCIA for the Diocese. She wrote in the article about the RCIA national report. I noticed that she mentioned that this is a “model of toil parish renewal.” She with Rueger was part of the Chancery Committee. What I ever heard or read from them was this was a “convert” program. There was one time that I received a phone call from Marcel while being pastor at St. Edwards. This one phone conversion with her and only convention that I ever had with her in1993 was other part: “What are you dong (with the RCIA)? I recalled how it was a question with anger. I answered her that I was using the ritual text and two other books of a model of total parish renewal: RCIA: Renewing the Church as an Initiation Assembly ((1989) and Conversion and Community: Catechumenal Parish Formation (1988). I, also, incorporated three other books: On Becoming a Catholic: The Challenge of Christian Initiation 1984), RCIA Ministry: An Adventure into Mayhem and Mystery (1989), and The Assembly Celebrates: Gathering the Community for Worship (1989). When speaking with her, I told her the source material I was using with parish committees who attended RCIA workshops in the area and nationally. So, it was a collaborative team effort working in the parish. She, actually, didn’t say a word and hung-up the phone.

Besides the process that was in place with me as pastor was usually a two year church calendar cycle that was being followed.  The first part was discernment (from lectionary) and then the process (steps). Actually it was somewhat to the parish religious education program of First Eucharist usually Grades 1 and 2 and Confirmation Grades 9 and 10. But, there are places that short circuit the process by starting in September and do the ceremony at Easter. End of the story.

Then I had to experience at a DEF monthly meeting where Rueger actually physically pushed himself between Fr. Gene Berthiaume and me talking before the meeting about implementing the RCIA in our parishes. Well, Rueger with his back to me and forcing himself into between us, he said to Fr. Berthiaume: “You don’t need to do that!” How he even heard anything I was saying from some distance in the room had me wondering what he was trying to do. I removed myself to my chair for the meeting. Things were steering because this was February of 1993. Recall that I was called into the Chancery on March 3, 1993. The dragnet was closing in on me. It was like reading Cicero and Colitus of how to destroy a person.

November 11, 2000

                I was reading Dilbert (carton) in the newspaper that reminded me of an experience I had in February of 1993 at the Worcester Chancery Office while attending the monthly DEF (Diocesan Expansion Fund). The cartoon had Dilbert’s boss saying: “I declare next Friday to be ‘Hawaiian Shirt Day.” Another character responds reacts: “Hey, you’re disgusting punishment as perks!” The boss goes over to Bad breath and says “They’re on to us.” Bad breath responds: “Did you try the fake smile?”66

                While I was at that meeting Monsignor Ed Tinsley was leaving the meeting early. He was at the door and just stood looking at me with a fake smile for the longest period of time. It was creepy. But, after a few months and experiencing the March 1993 ‘call-in” by Rueger and Tinsley, I was not surprised by anything with this Chancery Group. It was all a head game by Tinsley. He would have been aware of Harrington’s drunken driving accident and cover-up of that January.  “Did you try the fake simile?” The game was on even then-February of that year.

November 17, 2000

                The more that I read the news, I think of how Fr. Tom Lynch said to me how there was a dragnet going through the water and good and bad getting caught-up in this. A story appeared in the National catholic Reporter entitled “Canadian churches face property seizure in suits: Caribou diocese told to produce list of paintings, jewelry,” by Gerry McCarthy. This article concluded “A professor of law at the University of Notre Dame, Gerard Bradley, said it’s ‘quite possible’ that a U.S. Catholic diocese could be forces into bankruptcy. ‘There are good arguments against seizing churches,’ he explains. ‘But any kind of favorable treatment of a diocese facing bankruptcy would raise questions in present law about an unconstitutional promotion of religion, and a breach of neutrality.’ “67

November 23, 2000

                This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for being saved from God’s People (Hierarchical Church, “special interest group”, and cliques) in all time and space. I have been saved.

November 24, 2000

                I was reading The Anchor which is the Diocese of Fall River newspaper. They carried an article “Retired bishops to get stipend increase, more health care option.” Now, this had my attention because since 1995, there has been no review or anything on part of my Worcester Diocese. In reading this article: The retired bishops’ stipend will go from $1,300 a month to $1,500 a month to reflect an increase in the cost of living since their benefit package was last examined five years ago. The amended guidelines were approved on a voice vote. Other health care benefits already in the package including mayor medical and full cost of all medical and hospital care. Oh the basic benefits that remain unchanged in the retired bishop’ package include appropriate housing and board, and office with secretarial assistance as needed, a car for their personal use, transportation plus food and lodging expenses for meetings of the U.S. bishops, “ad limina” visits, provincial and regional meeting, workshops and retreats.” 68 I read this as to what I get with deductions $1,019.27. The key factor was that there had been no contact with since 1995 about anything on my situation. I say I’m living in the “cave.” I am fortunate that I have some former parishioners that invite me over for dinner during the week. From there on, there is isolation on the part of the Worcester Diocese and Church in general.

                Another observation is why was this information released by the American Bishops’ Conference and printed in at least the Fall River Diocesan paper. They don’t give this information out unless something or someone must have pressing for this information as a question factor.

November 30, 2000

                I was in BJ’s doing some shopping on a guest pass. I suddenly see in the check-out line this guy pushing a cart like not knowing where he was going or doing with a big grin on his face. He was wearing a Roman collar. Then, a pastor I knew came rushing up to him with a few times to put into the basket and rushing to the cashier. In the check-out a lady said to the pastor that she thought he was hopefully teaching the other priest (Fr. Glow) how to shop and cook. The pastor answered “Yes! Yes” What I was observing was the 50’s and the 60’s model of the Church- father and son as pastor and curate lives, again. The young priest (Fr. Glow) had my wondering if this guy with his glowing look and grin was on drugs or in love with Jesus being expressed. It was a different scene. But, I was able to revert back to Fr. Paul Foley having me push the shopping cart in the 70’s.

December 1, 2000

                Another local newspaper, The Worcester Phoenix, had a story “Help Wanted: Desperately seeking seminarians: A shortage of priests is forcing the Catholic Church to consider major changes.” This article  is al over the place on issues “And because of a rash of bad publicity-pedophile scandals, financial  improprieties, and ideological  battle over sexuality and gender-the Church entering the new millennium at a crucial point in its history is having a hart dime recruiting new, young  candidates. ..It’s true that the priesthood has long provided cover for homosexual men wishing to conceal their sexual orientation. ‘For some much closeted young men, the priesthood seems like the perfect closet, the perfect protection.’ Says Emory University’s Mark Jordon.”69

                Another eye opener statement” “This increasingly gay reputation is having a dramatic effect on the priesthood. It drives away some heterosexual candidates; others enter the seminary and find the environment alienating. ‘It’s like someone wandering into a café and suddenly you realize you’re in the wrong place because it’s a gay bar,’ says Father Richard McBrien, now a professor at the University of Notre Dame. ‘It’s not that you’re surrounded by evil people, but it’s just not yur place.’”70

                The article continues “Ironically, in the midst of such a strong gay presence, many observers have noted an increasing conservative turn in the priesthood. (Jordon speculates that this is not coincidental for many gay men embrace conservatism as a way of deflecting suspicion about their sexual identity.) This conservatism, in turn, is also driving some men away from the priesthood. A minimum, clerics who disagree with the Vatican’s official stance on such issues as homosexuality and abortion are forced to keep silent or pay a substantial price in terms of career prospects. Says James Carroll, a former priest and current columnist for the Boston Globe: ‘You have to surrender your freedom of conscience and your freedom of basic thought to be a Catholic priest today.’ Father McBrien of Notre Dame agrees. To become a bishop, he says, priests ‘have to be 100 percent for the Church’s teaching on birth control, which a great majority of Catholics don’t accept, and be 100 percent against the ordination of women. What they’re looking for are loyalists.’”71

                This same article then went on to explain “prestige.” I t said “Perhaps the most notable change of Vatican II was to increase lay participation in the life of the Church. That decision, in effect, demystified the role of priest and ended third elevated status. ‘We were very important people at one time,’ says Father Don Whipple, a 72-year-old in Cocoa Beach, Florida, ‘but we’re not anymore. You’d go into a restaurant, not having reservation, and the maitre d’ would say, ‘Father, Father, over here.’ That’s gone.’ Whipple himself is untroubled by the change, but the feeling is not universal. ‘That kind of prestige was very important to some people,” he says. This loss of prestige took from the priesthood one of its biggest selling points.”72 I had a classmate in the seminary that lived in his Roman Collar. This guy lived as though this was part of his birth tattoo. It was something to live with in the seminary besides the other issue described above. Oh! I wore jeans and a dark blue sweatshirt. I was very comfortable because at that time we had to wear the cassock (classical long black attire). Whenever we went into town, this seminary class mate wore his Roman Collar. 

                My only other comment, at this time, is nothing will happen because the system will protect the system with the major issue of power and authority prevailing and being preserved. Nothing is going to change at this time or for a while.

But, this article is one of the first that I started reading or hearing in public about the gay issue in the priesthood in public print and conversation at the local level.

December 3, 2000

                Reading the article the previous day, then The New York Times carried “No Longer Eager to Say ‘My Son, the Priest’: Religious Careers Los Luster for Catholic Parents.”73 When I saw this, I was somewhat surprised that this was going in The New York Times. But, I was still seeing such cases in the area of guys going into the priesthood with their mothers’ guidance. I saw this predominate issue in the 60’s and 70’s. We used to say we didn’t know who was getting ordained, the candidate or his mother. The clergy talk was of the myth that a priest’s mother had a “free” ticket into heaven if she had a priest or nun in the family. This type of thinking really did exist in that society and was somewhat around even now.

December 5, 2000

                I had an interesting conversation with a World War II infantryman in the European Theater. He told me how he, always had each day two canteen filled with wine around his waist. This is how he told me that he was able to get through it all according to him. He told me how he didn’t remember anything in his time on that tour of the war. I asked him if he was in a “blackout” state. He said definitely. This was said to me as a personal message that he did not want to talk about it. He answered me that was the main reason that he did not remember anything to talk about. It had me thinking of my time where I only recall a period of time that I had a similar experience. It was very difficult to explain when people questioned me about issues in that period of time especially 1974 thru 1977. It is a most freighting situation to even try to explain. But I had “talking heads” telling me what I should have said yes, it was the Worcester Chancery “Gang” of Harrington, Rueger, Tinsley, and Padone.

                Yet, this present time had me maintaining an idealism, patience, and confidence. I strived to develop a style of my previous liveliness, routine, order and reasoning in ministry.

December 16, 2000

                I read “Former R.I. priest seeks reinstatement” in our local newspaper was interesting reading. It was reported that he (Jeffrey L. Hensley, a spokesman for the Fort With Diocese) said “…did say sphere was no formal process under way to consider reinstating Rev. Magalia” …who as a Roman Catholic priest and convicted embezzler, stripped of his public duties last year after a former Worcester resident accused him of sexual abuse dating back to the 1970’s, wants to be reinstated.”74

                I read this, also, with eyes opened because of my journey. I never thought that this time period of mine would have me sitting in isolation and how far it would lead me or end-up. I, always, would write and I think most people write with a beginning, middle, and ending. But, with me in the Church, it has only been isolation with no word from the Chancery. I had to struggle with my apprehensions and fears. So, I used this journey time to express my faith and write even if I repeated phrases, irrelevant thought, and poorly written texts. I added order to spontaneity. Adventure from solitude in a quiet relenting style is an experience to be treasured. I had found peaceful space where new encouragement to live my life with trust, hope, and especially with a deeper love.

December 15, 2000

                There was an interesting development in the Diocese where Bishop Reilly assigned Fr. Peter J. Inzerillo to associate pastor of St. Leo’s Parish Leominster. It was in the “Official” column of The Catholic Free Press.75 it didn’t say anything of previous assignment, only the present announcement. I was wondering in that I became the Poster Boy for Bishop Harrington and Inzerillo (classmate and allegated during my time) was becoming Poster Boy for Bishop Reilly’s regime where Reilly possibly trying to make himself a moral builder in the Diocese? It was a reverse of my situation.  Actually, the fox has been cornered and tied up in the corner of the chicken cop. It became even better that the Sunday issue of the Worcester Telegram & Gazette: Montachusett Section of December 17^th issue of “Sing a joyful song.” The Montachusett Chorale conducted by the Rev. Peter Inzerillo “recently performed a concert at St. Leo’s Church, Leominster to benefit children with autism.”76 Let us not forget that Inzarrello was Vocation Director (Chancery Desk) when he was allegated in 1993. It was always know in the priest circles that the Chancery took care of their own- staff members. The band plays on.

December 18, 2000

                Back in 1993, Fr. Tom Lynch told me” “There is a dragnet going through the water and the good and bad are getting caught up.” There is the issue of third-party defendants. It is open season against priest. There seem no sort of alternate processes for any resolutions against the unconscious. But, I find on the internet a story of “Melbourne (Australia) priest prepare to fight church attackers.” The story reports “Two priests from the Melbourne Archdiocese have formed a group to combat attacks on the church that they have branded the ‘new anti-Semitism.” They had formed the Catholic Priests’ Anti-Defamation League to combat the attacks against priests. The story went on to report that the Vicar =General Bishop Denis Hart, while not echoing the ‘new until-Semitism’ claim, agreed it was now ‘very fashionable to knock the church.’ “I want to emphasize that these priest have take matters into their own hands and are acting as individuals…But I understand why this group has been set up. There has been a tremendous amount of attention given to some of the scandals in the church. I’m not sure that that attention has been complete fair…But confident those in time some balance with return to the debate.” One of these priest, Fr. Shad bolt “hopes to take legal action against those who unfairly attacker the church.”77 This had me realize that this would never take place in my diocese are area as such of getting together to have some recourse. The priests I know are all so mum on anything as such. One reason may be because of the hierarchy and the other the legal civil system and media that seem to be picking-up a pace that one wonders where they have come from or was it stoking?

December 24, 2000

                The silence I was experiencing today was deafening. My phone did not ring nor did anyone stop by for a visit or to take a ride. I realized that the people I knew had families and holiday preparations that had everyone being busy. Yet, I was alone in my “cave.” I reached into my toolbox of prayer and liturgy to overcome my loneliness. I, also, did go on the internet to order a book with one of my gift certificates. This loneliness is an issue with me even if I had a seminar with Clark Mostakus at Assumption College in the late 70’s. This loneliness had and is an issue similar to a roller coaster ride. Yet, somehow I realize an internal peace. It is strange. This is where the Holy Spirit, I believe, is working through me and in me.

                I offered Mass in my “cave.” I, actually, did not have to “perform” with the Eucharist this Christmas Eve. When I said Mass at the parish, it on Christmas Eve, it was really “show time” with overflow of people. But, I recalled a phrase “Ask the right questions, so you may get better answers.” So, this celebration of the Eucharist, I wondering why the prayers I was offering had more dept than I ever recall. It had been a number of years that I had to do the Christmas Eve Mass even as a “curate” (Associate Pastor) and deal with the overflow crowd that was most likely, rushing to get going for the other celebrations they were heading for following this Mass. This was a very reflective time in saying Mass in my particular situation.

December 25, 2000

                I was not alone this day. I had been invited for a brunch at some friends home. But, the sting of not being with my parish “faith community” was still in my make-up.

December 29, 2000

                In an article of my diocesan paper, there appeared a small article entitled “Canon layer group meets on rights of clergy.” The group had a meeting in Arlington, VA. The article went on: “Fifteen of 20 canon lawyer who are members of a group called Justice for Priests and Deacons met in Arlington to discuss the organization’s future. The group was founded in October 1997 in San Diego as a referral service to clergy who believe them to be victim of injustice in the church and need a canon lawyer. Among matters discussed at the group’s fall meeting were way of education deacons, priests and bishops about the rights of the clergy and the proper canonical procedure that are to be followed in various situations and how the referral system should be handled.” 78

December 30, 2000

                I read this day the “Daily Meditation: December 30” on the topic “Letting go of old hurts.” This explains “One of the hardest things in life is to let go of old hurts…Holding people’s faults against them often creates an impenetrable wall. But listen to (St.) Paul: ‘for anyone who is in Christ, there is a new creation: the old order is gone and a new being is there to see. It is all God’s work.’ (2 Corinthians 5: 17-18).”79

                I, actually, have done this. Then, I have to recall and continue the search for justice. But, I do have my roller-coaster ride continuing from day to day.

December 31, 2000

                I have to say that my writing has given me to a spark of creativity that I had blooming while in parish pastoral work. I have a duty to bring at my humanity that enriches my everyday life. Creativity is the divine spark we get from the heavenly Creator. The art of writing is slow to fix the secret way we get in touch with our immediate feelings. This I have done more so than anytime in my life’s journey. Oh, this is my anniversary of my Baptism ceremony in 1944. I renew my baptismal promises on this day each year.